Trigger Warning: Difficult family/death
Just writing the blog title makes me cringe. I feel the pressure that because Christmas is meant to be a happy and joyful time of year for many, that I have no right to voice my opinion about my dislike for Christmas.
With that being said, I remember one of the rules I had when I started this blog: I didn’t want to lie on my own blog. I know the word ‘lies’ is in my blog’s name but it totally wasn’t intended for lying here. It was intended to express the lies I tell myself or more often than not these days: the lies my anxiety tells me. It wasn’t put there to lie to my audience.
A post like this is probably always going to be a bit risky at a time of year which most people love and celebrate so this is why I chose to upload this after Christmas.
I must have stopped enjoying Christmas when I was about 15 years old. I also wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same year when I stopped wanting to celebrate my birthday.
Now, about Christmas: I have never once tried to make others, not like Christmas, I just don’t.
This year is the first year since moving to Scotland that I won’t be going to my grans for Christmas dinner. My gran just isn’t well enough to cook food for four people.
I suppose the first stab in the heart that led to me not enjoying Christmas dates back to 2009. Let’s set the scene: A few days before Christmas, myself and my Dad are excited to see my uncle on our trip to London.
Roll on the 27th December, we are on a train to London, my Dad seems upset but not willing to talk, I know something is wrong.
Once I arrive in London, I get told that my uncle died exactly one day before. You see, my uncle had cancer, he died the day before we were going to visit him. We never even got to say goodbye to someone who was so important to us.
Now, that’s not the only reason I dislike Christmas. Over the years, I have become better at learning the triggers to my mental health. One such trigger is the winter weather. Until Christmas, I can keep myself occupied and I have people to talk to but then on Christmas, everyone I know is having a family day with their family.
My Christmas normally results in my gran getting very drunk and then shouting verbal abuse at me while I am expected to take it and my grandad tells me I have to take it because my gran gives me money for my birthday’s and Christmases.
My gran hasn’t always been the most supportive member of my family, but it comes out the most at Christmas. You can feel free to judge me for being happy I don’t need to spend my Christmas with her if you want but for me, everything in my life hurts the most at Christmas.
There are a lot of other reasons why I don’t like Christmas but then this blog post would become too long to read.
What I’m saying is, if you take one thing from this blog post: please don’t expect that everyone adores Christmas. Some people have lost loved ones, or others have to spend the day miserable. There could be loads of other reasons they just don’t feel comfortable telling you.
Don’t assume it’s because they are a Scrooge that doesn’t like to have fun. Over the years, I’ve tried so hard to love Christmas like everyone else seems to do but that’s not me and that’s not the type of person I feel I can be and please don’t judge me for that.
If you love Christmas, I hope you had an amazing Christmas filled with happy memories and special time with your family. I’m glad that this is a time of year which you enjoy and are happy at but please never try to force others into loving Christmas if they don’t.