Life is a climb, always struggling to reach that next step: that next milestone in life. It would be wrong to say that life is easy, its anything but. Though things may seem difficult and your life may not seem to be worth living at points: things do get better. Things don’t stay the same forever and your challenges will define you and make you a stronger person if you let them.
Learning from your mistakes is difficult but I feel is crucial to becoming that better version of yourself. If you live your life in denial about your mistakes, you will never understand things in a different context or from someone else’s position and you may end up alone.
Recently I have just been officially betrayed and hurt by someone I trusted and gave my heart to, I was dumped by text and to make matters worse he then lied about the reason for this by saying we barely talked which was bullshit.
Past Emma would of allowed herself to be completely 100% broken by an experience like this (flashback to the last person I threw my heart and trust at the moment I met them and rushed in to only be destroyed emotionally and mentally.)
Despite this, present Emma can see her life going on. Yes, I am sad, yes I feel betrayed and yes I feel hurt but it hasn’t ripped me apart and it hasn’t destroyed me like it did the last time. The last time royally fucked me up for YEARS on end.
I feel there are two reasons for this which are 1) I have finally came to terms with my past mistakes and current mistakes and have began to do what I can to fix things if it isn’t too late and 2) I have an amazing group of friends both at university and outside university who have always stood by me and been my crutch to lean on at this hurtful moment in my life.
I used to be that person with 1-2 friends or perhaps even 0 people I felt like I could actually call a friend but now I feel I have a good group of friends who always have my back and that has made me happier, more confident and able to bounce back quicker than ever before.
What I’m trying to say that life is a climb, I hate to bring up Miley Cyrus in a blog post but as her song goes “Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s the climb”
Life is a climb and it isn’t important what’s at the end of each challenge you face, the point is getting there no matter how long it takes you to do it. As you grow, as you learn, you become stronger and you will become more equipped to dealing with life’s plot twists and forks in the road.
Too many young people are pressured upon until their mental health ends up suffering in exchange for school, university and ultimately getting a job. From Primary school, they are constantly pressured into deciding what they want to do when they are adult, this is wrong.
What I want to say is you are not alone: there is always someone willing to help and support you if you look hard enough. I wouldn’t be here today without some amazing inspiring individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing.
I think this is where past Emma went wrong: she was afraid to open up to those she trusted and as a result lost support from some of those people. Today I have major trust issues and it takes a long time for me to trust someone, but once I can trust someone I am now able to open up to them.
I know I wouldn’t be the person today without going through the obstacles I have faced. There was a time when I was a horrible person and I lost the support of the person I trusted most thanks to this but this helped shape me. This helped to define the person I am today and I wouldn’t be the same without this experience.
A very wise woman once said to me “Life is tough and then you die” – the sad reality is this is true, but you are your biggest obstacle to having a more fulfilling life.
Okay I know I’m a little late to the party, but here’s my thoughts on 2016 while I decided to make the most of a sleepless night and actually get some damn work done!
2016, What a year! So, it started off very badly in terms of celebrity deaths, what was 2016? Seriously? The first death of the year was on the 4th of January only four days in according to the list I found at http://fiftiesweb.com/dead/dead-people-2016/. Some of the biggest that stood out to me include Alan Rickman, David Bowie, Mohamed Ali, Gene Wilder and George Michael. 2016 was the year of the grim reaper and I am glad it has ended. 2016 was a very bad year for the families of all those who died but also many people I have spoken to have also agreed that 2016 was a bad year for them personally.
Also 2016 was a global disaster for both the UK and America as far as politics are concerned in my opinion. First the UK overall vote voted to leave the European Union which I fully back as being a massive mistake. Not only that, Scotland and Northern Ireland had the MAJORITY to remain in the European Union but seeing as England and Wales won out, were leaving. I generally don’t understand the logic of making two countries leave the EU who voted to remain but then again, because we are classed as part of the United Kingdom I guess that’s what has to be done.
Then of course came the US election, Trump became president. WHAT is going on here? That dreadful man is like something from the Looney Tunes cartoon I watched as a kid! I still can’t believe that he was actually voted in as what was best for America, already he’s proved himself as a racist, sexist and race/disability discriminating vile human being. This blog wasn’t supposed to be about politics so I am moving on from this topic before this becomes an essay!
Now, 2016 has been a dreadful year for me, after 2015 being a good year I wasn’t expecting 2016 to be as awful as it was, so it was a bit of a nasty shock when everyday turned into another day of bad luck. Yes there were good moments to 2016, but not many!
Recently a vlogger that I watch called Louise Pentland (You may know her as Sprinkleofglitter on YouTube) made a video about her thoughts on 2016 and spoke about how 2015 was a bad year for her but 2016 was better. She made an excellent comment about what 2015 was like for her and I can 100% say I feel the same about how 2016 was for me.
Louise said “Professionally, it was a dream. Personally it was a nightmare.”
This would sum up my 2016 in a nutshell. I have had amazing opportunities and done things I wouldn’t dream of professionally but personally it has been a car crash of a year. Starting off in February I got the chance of a lifetime which I am so incredibly grateful for where I got to organize a Scottish journalism competition which was held in May. I got to work with companies I wouldn’t have previously dreamed of such as the Sun, Daily Record and All Media Scotland which is only a few of those great companies.
Leading up until the event I had a dreadful time personally and emotionally. It was a very difficult time for me. My medical team stopped listening to me, dismissed all my low moods/bad thoughts and worries and tried to tell me I was just worried about leaving college and starting University. That wasn’t the case, I was full on dreading University (I will make another post about my update on that another time.) I had been dreading University ever since I submitted my application in January 2016, so not great so far.
I began to be stressed all the time, even for no reason, I reverted back to being constantly tired all the time like I was when I had Iron deficiency anemia and I was constantly miserable.
In the few months leading up until my event, I became extra stressed when things with the event got busy. I couldn’t sleep, cried myself to sleep a lot of nights and ended up going into college to a busy day with working on the event to where I had no energy whatsoever and very little sleep. I either slept too little, or too much, there was no in-between. On top of that I was having regular Councillor appointments to keep my brain from turning to mush. My guidance lecturer at the time was a great support and had my back when the other people organising the event with me were harsh on me or had a go at me, he also forced me to have a lunch break on days where I had so much to do I forgot to even feed myself. He was always there to listen when I had a problem or worry and help me in whatever way he could, and just give me general moral support on days I felt even more crap than usual.
Things got worse from here when something happened at the actual event where another event organiser I won’t name got drunk, swore at our lecturers and was rude to many guests. As a result the night ended badly and this was something which seriously upset me for weeks as to how a great night could end so badly. I still blame her for making the rest of us look like bloody fools. As a result I am now not on the greatest terms with one my old lecturers who I feel started treating me differently because of what happened even though I had no involvement in what she did. I want to try and work things out in the next couple of months with the lecturer even though I’m not at college anymore. I am being very vague on this topic for a reason & because I don’t tend to like going into great detail about other people I mention in my blog posts out of respect for their privacy. This situation is also something that still bothers me.
After the event, my year just went from bad to worse. I started talking to family members on my mum’s side that I hadn’t seen seen since I was about 5 and I’m now 21. They got in touch with me through Facebook and it was nice to have them back in my life and start to get to know them as adults, rather than kids when we were little but it brought up a great deal of bad memories from my childhood that involved other people on that side of the family.
When I left college, the whole class fell apart and stopped talking to each other. There were a group of people who became really nasty in that class towards other students as well as staff. They would sit in lessons and laugh when anyone not in their group spoke, they would bitch about those people behind their back and treat people like shit. Even the lecturers were fed up with them by the end of the course and that’s maybe part of the reason my old lecturer isn’t on the best terms with me, because of that group that ended up being most of the class. They ruined it for the rest of the class, the small minority that were decent. On top of that, the same thing happened that happened when I left high school, what I actually considered my friendship group fell apart. Last time, I had a big group where I lost each person for different reasons, some I just lost touch with whereas others either used me, or I had disagreements with. This time I only had two people out the whole class I considered friends. I realised one of them used me and treated me like crap and the other changed and then started treating me like crap as well.
That left me starting University with only four people I would consider friends, all from different friendship groups, and none of them going to University with me. That put me straight bang into the middle of a direct entry course, where I knew nobody. I got put in a seminar class with a whole bunch of people who had all known each other for three years as they had been in a class together. This made it difficult to make friends and now into the second half of the Academic year, I still have not made any friends at University.
In October of 2016 I got another amazing opportunity that I had never previously dreamed would happen. I got the chance to interview one of my idols, Emma Blackery on the phone while live on a radio show! This day was one of the few good moments from my 2016 & was so surreal when Emma even tweeted me.
After then, things just got even worse. The further I got into my course at University, the more I hated it. I had loved media at college, I even chose PR as my optional choice in the first semester seeing as how I loved it in college. It was a disappointment and felt like a step back from what I did in PR at college. I didn’t make any friends, and began to rush out of classes the second they were finished to avoid having to have awkward conversations with anyone. I ended up getting loads of extensions and got even more low in my mind than I was.
Then the last couple of months got really bad, things happened on Facebook to do with someone I knew in the past that hurt me which brought up a lot of feelings from years ago. Things also happened with someone else I thought I could trust. Then on Christmas day, the one day I thought I could be happy, my gran insulted me. She was outright nasty by telling me if I quit University that my Dad had wasted his life for nothing and then said “Do you not care about what your Dad has given up for you?” She also told me that if I quit University, I would end up exactly like my mother whom has mental health issues. I haven’t spoken to my gran since then apart from to wish her happy new year on the phone and saying hi when she came to my house to see my Dad.
To top it off, so far my 2017 has been pretty bad, a lot of upsetting things has happened this month and I just want it all to stop and things to be okay again. I’ve even done everything and anything as small as sending an email at extra slow pace since 2017 began, I just feel that deflated. More importantly: I want to be happy. I feel that I have forgotten what happiness is and I want to find that again. That’s what I want from 2017 and I hope 2017 is a much better year and a good year for any one that even bothers to read this shit show I call a blog! Onwards and Upwards!
P.S. I made a new years resolution to start posting once a week at least and have already failed at that! Exactly WHY I don’t normally make resolutions!