Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Unzip Those Feelings

Today I will be talking about my feelings in the sense that I have always been the type of person to bottle up my feelings until they become too much and I then end up almost exploding and breaking down because there are then too many things that have caused me to get low.

It’s no secret that I have major trust issues thanks to the people in my past who have hurt me and let me down when I needed them. As a result, I began to bottle up my feelings even more and it is only recently that I have started working on dealing with my issues at the time that they become an issue.

I think that is partly to do with the fact that now I’m at university, I have become a lot busier and as a result, have to keep a calendar. As a result of this, I realise that I do not always have the time to have a breakdown or stop what I’m doing to deal with a mess of problems. Therefore I have to start dealing with my problems there and then which is something I have always struggled with.

Life is difficult, and I know changing things will be difficult at first but it’s got to get easier. Hasn’t it?

I can’t continue to bottle things up as it has a negative effect on both my mental health and my attitude. Most my arguments I’ve started unreasonably with other people have been because I’ve bottled my feelings up.

I’ve let whatever that person did or said to upset me play on my mind for weeks if not months. As a result, I become a very angry and upset person until one day I can’t hold it in anymore and I have to release.

As a result, I end up flying off the handle with people I care about instead of just talking about it like a grownup. Recently I had a go at someone because they did something which reminded me of someone who hurt me.

The thing that happened with the person who had hurt me was something I didn’t talk about for over three years. As a result, I began to lash out at anyone who would remind me of them and then stop trusting that person.

I have now realised this is an unhealthy attitude and perhaps if I’d have just spoken about the issues at the time, it wouldn’t have come to this. Therefore, zipping up my feelings has also had a negative impact on the way I deal with others, and I want to change that!

Do you have any tips that I can use in order to deal with my problems easier and more efficiently? I want to know. Comment them below!

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Zip

Posted in Thoughts

Life Can Be Opaque At Times

Just going to be a short blog post today since have a lot of uni work I’ve been working on so I am tired.

According to google the definition of Opaque is: “not able to be seen through; not transparent.” I suppose this can be applied to life as well as objects. When I started high school, I was as open as open can be, one of my biggest struggles was seeing through other people’s bullshit – I simply couldn’t do it.

This put me in good stead to then have someone I care about and trusted to completely destroy me and rip me apart to the point I lost all sense of self worth. Since then I feel I began to realise that I gave too much of myself to other people so ended up not leaving enough love behind for myself. I ended up draining myself of all energy because I gave all that energy to other people, most of them didn’t even respect me or even deserve my love and kindness.

Nowadays, I can pretty much see through anyone’s pretentious crap which they call the truth. Although occasionally someone will creep up on me, I will give them my trust and then they will prove why I should not have given my trust to them in the first place.

Life can be Opaque, it can seen difficult at times to be able to see through things and I feel that this is a skill you acquire within life – you make mistakes, you grow and you start to see through the pretense that some people put up. Not everyone is genuine.

Opaque

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

The Climb

Life is a climb, always struggling to reach that next step: that next milestone in life. It would be wrong to say that life is easy, its anything but. Though things may seem difficult and your life may not seem to be worth living at points: things do get better. Things don’t stay the same forever and your challenges will define you and make you a stronger person if you let them.

Learning from your mistakes is difficult but I feel is crucial to becoming that better version of yourself. If you live your life in denial about your mistakes, you will never understand things in a different context or from someone else’s position and you may end up alone.

Recently I have just been officially betrayed and hurt by someone I trusted and gave my heart to, I was dumped by text and to make matters worse he then lied about the reason for this by saying we barely talked which was bullshit.

Past Emma would of allowed herself to be completely 100% broken by an experience like this (flashback to the last person I threw my heart and trust at the moment I met them and rushed in to only be destroyed emotionally and mentally.)

Despite this, present Emma can see her life going on. Yes, I am sad, yes I feel betrayed and yes I feel hurt but it hasn’t ripped me apart and it hasn’t destroyed me like it did the last time. The last time royally fucked me up for YEARS on end.

I feel there are two reasons for this which are 1) I have finally came to terms with my past mistakes and current mistakes and have began to do what I can to fix things if it isn’t too late and 2) I have an amazing group of friends both at university and outside university who have always stood by me and been my crutch to lean on at this hurtful moment in my life.

I used to be that person with 1-2 friends or perhaps even 0 people I felt like I could actually call a friend but now I feel I have a good group of friends who always have my back and that has made me happier, more confident and able to bounce back quicker than ever before.

What I’m trying to say that life is a climb, I hate to bring up Miley Cyrus in a blog post but as her song goes “Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s the climb”

Life is a climb and it isn’t important what’s at the end of each challenge you face, the point is getting there no matter how long it takes you to do it. As you grow, as you learn, you become stronger and you will become more equipped to dealing with life’s plot twists and forks in the road.

Too many young people are pressured upon until their mental health ends up suffering in exchange for school, university and ultimately getting a job. From Primary school, they are constantly pressured into deciding what they want to do when they are adult, this is wrong.

What I want to say is you are not alone: there is always someone willing to help and support you if you look hard enough. I wouldn’t be here today without some amazing inspiring individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing.

I think this is where past Emma went wrong: she was afraid to open up to those she trusted and as a result lost support from some of those people. Today I have major trust issues and it takes a long time for me to trust someone, but once I can trust someone I am now able to open up to them.

I know I wouldn’t be the person today without going through the obstacles I have faced. There was a time when I was a horrible person and I lost the support of the person I trusted most thanks to this but this helped shape me. This helped to define the person I am today and I wouldn’t be the same without this experience.

A very wise woman once said to me “Life is tough and then you die” – the sad reality is this is true, but you are your biggest obstacle to having a more fulfilling life.

Climbing

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Cranky Bitch

I’m a cranky bitch in the morning. Anyone that knows me knows not to disturb me in the morning, the only person I haven’t been rude to first thing in the morning is a good friend of mine when she phoned me at 8am one morning.

Cranky can actually mean two things according to the dictionary: 1) A cranky bitch (aka bad-tempered and irritable and 2) eccentric or strange. I am the definition of both of these meanings.

Only once I have gotten to know you really well and feel 100% comfortable around you will I be a sweet friend and I will love you fiercely and protect your corner: your enemies are my enemies.

I am not always cranky but when I am I may as well have a “warning” sign above my head. I am also cranky when I am tired, I am not great at functioning when tired. The worst bit? I am ALWAYS tired. I used to be anemic so therefore was advised to go to the GP to see if its back but the lazy, procrastinating fuck that I am still hasn’t done this. I also haven’t booked those fillings I got told I needed back in February.

Following on from the blog post I did on procrastination (find this here: Always Later, Procrastinating At It’s Finest) I have recently discovered that I seem to be more productive when drunk. Yes, you heard me right.

On Tuesday I had a university night out where I got completely wasted, danced my way around Mcdonald’s at 1am and told 6 women I am friends with that I love them. Oops! I also did or at least started doing two things I’d been putting off for month’s. Answer to getting all that uni work done? Seems to be getting wasted and doing it then!

Also people that treat me like crap will eventually get the crank bitch in me coming out. I’m too nice and hang onto people way longer than I should but once I realise that they treat me like crap and decide to ditch them, out comes cranky bitch Emma. In other words: don’t get on the wrong side of me.

Sometimes shit hits the fan and life gets too much and I become a cranky bitch but my goal is to try and realise this more so that I can take a step back, relax and de-stress and get over other people’s shit that has caused me to be down.

A recent heart-breaking moment has led to me thinking about my life and why shit always happens to me and I realised something: I wouldn’t want it any other way. Yes, shit happens but that is what has made me such a strong individual today. Right now, this recent betrayal hurts like hell, but I’ll get through it knowing I now have the most amazing group of friends who I probably don’t even deserve.

On Wednesday shit hit the fan and if it wasn’t for my amazing friends in university I would have probably hit the pub and got pissed again despite being hungover at that moment. It made me realise that through all my moaning, I am lucky to have the people I have. I am actually semi-happy and today a never before moment happened in my life: I shared one of my blog posts on my personal Facebook account outside my blog Facebook page and Twitter and Instagram.

Normally I NEVER post my blog posts on my personal account as I cringe at the thought of people I know in real life reading my blog and have no self confidence. I’ve realised I am finally starting to gain confidence and I have my amazing friends to thank for that in finally making me start to realise I am actually worth something. Confidence can get mistaken for arrogance like I’ve said before, but I’m speaking from a girl who has never believed in herself and is finally starting to find herself and even though my heart is hurting right now I am okay, I’ll be fine, I’ll get there and that’s what matters.

Here’s to a happier and more fulfilling life:

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Cranky

Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Healing from The World

What do you see when you look at the world around you? Different people will see different things but one thing I have learned throughout my life is: Life is tough, Life can be painful and those people that promise they will always be there for you aren’t always telling the truth. Don’t promise me you’ll be there any time I need to talk or moan if you are just going to drop me as soon as things get tough!

Life can be painful. I was speaking with a friend recently about the fact that the nicest people tend to be the ones who get treated the worst and its completely true. She spoke of how people will spread lies about the nicest people and take advance of their good nature and its completely true.

Time and time again I have been treated like shit, and my problem is that I don’t like to let people go. If I have an understanding with someone on a specific topic that is close to my heart, I will hang onto that person way longer than I should despite the fact that they don’t value me as a friend.

A big example of this is last year at college. There were two girls I considered friends out my class. One of them constantly treated me like shit and pulled me down but I hung onto her because we connected over both having mental health issues. The other girl didn’t originally treat me like shit, but changed as soon as we started university and then began to treat me like shit. I hung onto her because I knew she hadn’t been like that before being friends with the other girl so I thought that she’d go back to how she used to be, it never happened.

I only cut both of these people out my life after listening to the advice of someone I now consider a good friend who has stuck by me and been my lifeline since leaving college. When I cut these girls out my life, the one who had always treated me like shit never even tried to contact me so clearly never valued my friendship.

The other girl claimed she didn’t notice for a whole month then when she contacted me saying she’d just noticed I had deleted her off Facebook, she told me about a personal issue she had going on and then said “I really need a friend right now.” Really? REALLY?

This girl ignored me, argued with me and told me to shut up for no reason on multiple occasions and she expects me to be there for her but not the other way around? Then when I don’t respond to her, she blocks me on Facebook? Friendship works both ways but some people don’t seem to understand that.

Other people have taken me for granted and just assumed I would always be there so they treated me like crap. What I’m trying to say is a lot of bad things happen in this world. Everyone has their own problems and a lot of the time you may not even know what that person has to go through. So why make their life anymore difficult than it has to be?

I have major trust issues. As I’ve said in previous blog posts: It often takes me a very long time before I can trust people, a lot longer than it takes most people. There are two exceptions to this. 1) A teacher I had in high school and 2) my boyfriend. Both of these people I felt completely comfortable around for the start but that said teacher is someone who ended up letting me down and hurting me.

The reason I have so many trust issues is because of other people, the people who have let me down when I’ve put all my trust in them and the people who have hurt me. As a result, I struggle to trust new people and it takes a long time before I can.

An example of this being through my three years at college. It wasn’t until my third and last year where I was fully able to trust my guidance lecturer.

What I say – When in life people hurt you, when people let you down or when bad things happen: take a step back, withdraw yourself slightly and allow yourself time to heal, time to move on. It won’t happen straight away but I feel it’s important to do this instead of rushing straight back into the next thing in life. Take a little time out, then you’ll come back stronger than ever.

How do you heal yourself from the world around you?

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Heal

I will leave you with a picture quote that sums me up as a person:

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Posted in Thoughts

Outlier

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A word which sums up perfectly the type of person that I am. One thing I have realised through living life is that I don’t like to fully involve myself into a situation or fully invest myself into another person until I know I can trust those I am surrounded with.

Throughout high school, I was that kid that didn’t drink, didn’t have a boyfriend at a crazy young age and didn’t socialize with the people considered as popular as I didn’t feel that’s the type of people I fitted well around.

In my younger high school years, I clung onto people that treated me like shit so that I wouldn’t be a loner, but because they treated me like shit: I hid the real me from them. I became a fabrication of a human instead of an actual human.

During my third year of high school, I saved the real me for the few people I felt safe around and like they wouldn’t judge, that wasn’t very many people. One of those people being someone who ended up letting me down when I needed them most. Since then I have became even more reserved than I initially was.

When meeting new people it takes me a VERY long time before I trust them, that isn’t just down to anxiety, that is down to people I trust hurting me a lot. It can sometimes take me over a year before I can trust someone fully. As a result, everyone establishes their friendship groups long before me and I end up being pushed to the side and becoming detached from those around me.

When I start getting low with my mental health, I become even more detached. I cease to see the world how it really is and I withdraw myself from other people, I also do this when I don’t feel comfortable within a situation.

I can be funny, witty and a generally all round caring person, but most people don’t get to see this side of me. I am the type of person that as soon as someone does or says something which hurts me a lot or reminds me of the person who destroyed me in my early teenage years, I push them out. I stop trusting them, and push them away until they don’t want to stay.

Recently I have done this again which I plan to deal with as this time it is someone I considered a good friend who’s support I don’t wish to loose.

Some people trust easily, some people immerse themselves in new experiences right from the start, not me. When I started university, I spent the whole of the first semester avoiding others. I would slip into the back of my lectures only to slip back out at the end without making an effort with people. I will sit on the sidelines until I can trust people, once I trust them I give them my all.

Do you get involved in society right from the start or sit it back and observe before you immerse yourself?

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Outlier

Posted in Thoughts

Confidence

There is a difference between confidence and arrogance and I hope never to cross that line.

I am naturally not a very confident person. I rely on the opinions of my friends and family in order to make me feel happy and confident as I don’t feel like that is something I can achieve on my own.

There are various reasons as to why I have no confidence in myself. The biggest of these reasons being my past mistakes.

I have made mistakes in the past that I hold myself accountable for even though I realise I am no longer the same person, I let these mistakes control who I am as a person today.

It is no secret that 2016 was an awful year for me, by the time I got to November I knew it wasn’t going to get better. In November I was at the lowest I have been in six years, somebody from my past cropped back up and once again upset me and made me feel like I wasn’t worth love, like I shouldn’t have people who care about me for what I did back at the worst moment of my life.

When I was at my worst, the one person I fully trusted let me down when I needed them most because of a mistake I made. As a result of said mistakes, we were never able to trust each other again or even keep in touch. I miss them constantly but at this point am not entirely sure I can do anything about it and have long ago accepted the blame.

Also at the end of 2016, someone I considered a friend did something which reminded me of that person and as a result I wasn’t very nice to them. Now they are not talking to me and most likely have no idea why I acted the way I did.

I am sick of letting the one person control my actions. After that moment in my life, I decided I would never become that person again and if I ever ended up in a similar situation I would do anything I could to fix it.

I avoided adding friends on Facebook because I knew that person was mutual friends with them. Not anymore. I may not be able to fix things with them, but I won’t let myself be hurt all over again, its not worth it.

Another thing, I tend to allow people to make me feel like shit on a regular basis and I tell myself that I deserve it because of my past mistakes.

In high school, I was that girl who hung onto the people who treated me like shit because of reasons I shouldn’t such as it being awkward when I’d pass them or so that I wouldn’t be on my own.

In college, I hung onto a girl who treated me like shit and didn’t value me because we both had mental health issues so I could relate to her, I only ditched her and another who treated me badly after listening to the advice of a good friend.

I hang onto people much longer than I should because of many reasons, another one of these reasons being that because of past mistakes, I tell myself I deserve all the crap thrown at me.

I was in a really bad place at the end of 2016 to the point I tried to harm myself begging with my brain to sort itself out. I was lucky this time that when I confided in one person I trusted, she stood by me and was there to help me through it. That never happened the last time and as a result I have gained major trust issues. When I stopped trying to harm myself I did it all because of a good friend who was worried about me, I did it because I saw how much I upset her instead of because I actually value my life.

I am incredibly grateful to this amazing woman who supported me, because I honestly don’t know if I’d be where I am now without her.

In 2017 my aim is to try and find a sense of happiness and perhaps gain some confidence in myself. I am so lucky to have met my amazing boyfriend this year who keeps me strong and is always my number one supporter always by my side, hopefully it is time I start caring about myself. I am that person who cares more about others than myself and while its great to care about others, it should also be important for me to care about myself.

I feel woman are more advantaged than men when it comes to feelings. Women are already seen as the one’s who can be emotional without fear of ruining their public image. Men are often taught they have to be hard, be strong, but we need to change this. We need to show our support to men so they know they are allowed to feel as well and they are not less of a man for doing so!

Recently my boyfriend said something to me where he told me that he’s supposed to be the strong one supporting me, and I don’t want that. I want him to know that he is allowed to feel, he is allowed to discuss his feelings with me and I won’t ever judge him, I love him for the person he is. This is what I want all men to know, its time to show them that they can feel without being less of a man.

Confidence isn’t something that has ever came naturally to me, but it is something I’m working on and something I’m trying to gain more of.

Do you have any tips on how to be a more confident person?

If you want more on confidence and perhaps how to gain confidence in a harsh world then let me know.

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Posted in Thoughts

Pausing The Pace

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In life it can be common to often jump onto the next thing, move onto the next without exactly stopping to think about the present. Life can go really fast in the quickest moment so it is good to pause, take a step back and try and consider your life from a different angle or perspective.

If you always view life from the one perspective then this can lead you to perhaps treating certain people unfairly or not fully understanding those around you. In primary school and then high school, they drum into you the fact that you need to pass your exams, go to college/university then get a job.

Schools expect you to have your whole career goals planned out from such a young age. When I was in my last year of high school, I wanted to become a nursery teacher. Only when I didn’t get in to my chosen course did I pick my backup which was media. These days I could never imagine being a teacher and see my future career as something within media.

With the constant pressure in schools to have your career perfectly planned from a young age, it can be easy to forget to live in the moment and to just seek the next thing without really thinking about the present.

When life gets busy or you are feeling a little low, perhaps take a step back, slack on some of those responsibilities and allow yourself to find your bearings and regain your motivation to do the things in which you love.

Just because you might not be the most career driven, doesn’t mean you don’t have a bright future ahead of you. If you get a little unwell, or take some time out for yourself or a holiday, this is a good thing. Perhaps it may but your goals back a notch but in the long run it will set you up for better things and help you manage your life in order to become a success in the future.

Pausing the pace of your life allows you to savor the most important memories and feelings in order to keep yourself happy. Pausing when things get tough allows you to learn from your mistakes and work out your issues at your own pace.

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What do you do when you feel like your life is going by in a blur that you don’t have time to process?

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Pause

Posted in Thoughts, University

Always Later, Procrastinating At It’s Finest

Later, my response to nearly everything that involves actually getting shit done. Always later.

As I write this blog post, I am procrastinating uni work that still needs to be completed before I finish at the end of April. For example: That student led seminar I have next Thursday? Well I told the person I am working with that I would have something prepped for Friday. It is now Saturday night and I haven’t even started prepping for it yet with the intention of spending all day tomorrow on it but in likely reality I won’t wake up till late afternoon and will likely set it back another day, only to keep doing this until it ends up being rushed at last minute.

That day my Dad asked me to type up and print off his CV for him? Yep, I’ve still not done it. It’s not that I don’t want to help my Dad out, its just I suck at life, I suck at prioritizing things and I suck at getting things done until last minute.

That formal assessment I sat in a computer lab 2 weeks ago on statistics? Well, last time I studied statistics I was in my 5th year of high school, therefore that was 4-5 years ago. Guess when I did all my studying for that assignment? Yep, the last hour before I sat it despite missing most the classes in prep for it. I still got 60% for it, so that’s a solid pass, so my logic is its great as long as I passed. Perhaps I need to change that outlook on life.

Before I finish uni for summer at the end of this month, I have a research proposal to submit for my dissertation next year, two essays to do, over eight blog posts that must include references and countless other things to do. What am I doing right now? Writing this blog post with the intention to either watch a new Netflix show or Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them straight after.

Why do I procrastinate so much? I don’t think I even have an answer to that question. It’s just a bad habit I picked up and hung onto. I remember in my early high school years I used to be a perfect student, I was terrified of getting into trouble and I ALWAYS without fail did my homework and handed it in on time. When I got to my 4th year of high school, I started talking back to teachers and sticking my middle finger up at them behind their backs. By the time I got to my last year of school, I was carrying on with the teachers I liked, avoiding those I didn’t like and putting all my time and effort into charity events because I hated school so much. As a person I evolved.

At college when things got heated with the event I was organising, me and the other two girls ended up getting loads of extensions for basically every class since the event was close. I guess perhaps that got me accustomed to not handing work in on time. Now at university, I have had extensions for a lot of assignments due to not being very well and even the ones I handed in on time were rushed to the last minute.

I am terrible at prioritising things and getting them done on time to the point that I even end up re-scheduling blog posts for days later than intended. I don’t set out to procrastinate but it tends to just happen, it follows me around like a black cloud.

Even when it comes to applying for a job/work experience I procrastinate yet again and end up applying much later than I set out to, or else I don’t end up applying at all because I miss the deadline. For example: I heard about an opportunity to get experience with a PR company a couple weeks ago where the woman was visiting my uni. I slept in that day and missed the slot she was in the uni and then left it too long to email her despite the fact that public relations is an industry I am interested in.

No matter what I do, even if its something I am excited about, or something I know I will enjoy or will be good for me, I end up procrastinating which in some cases causes me to miss out on that opportunity.

How much do you procrastinate? What are your tips to spend less time procrastinating? What are your tips for getting things done? 

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Later

Posted in Thoughts

All Honesty About 2016

Okay I know I’m a little late to the party, but here’s my thoughts on 2016 while I decided to make the most of a sleepless night and actually get some damn work done!

2016, What a year! So, it started off very badly in terms of celebrity deaths, what was 2016? Seriously? The first death of the year was on the 4th of January only four days in according to the list I found at http://fiftiesweb.com/dead/dead-people-2016/. Some of the biggest that stood out to me include Alan Rickman, David Bowie, Mohamed Ali, Gene Wilder and George Michael. 2016 was the year of the grim reaper and I am glad it has ended. 2016 was a very bad year for the families of all those who died but also many people I have spoken to have also agreed that 2016 was a bad year for them personally.

Also 2016 was a global disaster for both the UK and America as far as politics are concerned in my opinion. First the UK overall vote voted to leave the European Union which I fully back as being a massive mistake. Not only that, Scotland and Northern Ireland had the MAJORITY to remain in the European Union but seeing as England and Wales won out, were leaving. I generally don’t understand the logic of making two countries leave the EU who voted to remain but then again, because we are classed as part of the United Kingdom I guess that’s what has to be done.

Then of course came the US election, Trump became president. WHAT is going on here? That dreadful man is like something from the Looney Tunes cartoon I watched as a kid! I still can’t believe that he was actually voted in as what was best for America, already he’s proved himself as a racist, sexist and race/disability discriminating vile human being. This blog wasn’t supposed to be about politics so I am moving on from this topic before this becomes an essay!

Now, 2016 has been a dreadful year for me, after 2015 being a good year I wasn’t expecting 2016 to be as awful as it was, so it was a bit of a nasty shock when everyday turned into another day of bad luck. Yes there were good moments to 2016, but not many!

Recently a vlogger that I watch called Louise Pentland (You may know her as Sprinkleofglitter on YouTube) made a video about her thoughts on 2016 and spoke about how 2015 was a bad year for her but 2016 was better. She made an excellent comment about what 2015 was like for her and I can 100% say I feel the same about how 2016 was for me.

Louise said “Professionally, it was a dream. Personally it was a nightmare.”

The full video made by Louise on YouTube can be found here: THE TRUTH ABOUT 2016 – Louise Pentland

This would sum up my 2016 in a nutshell. I have had amazing opportunities and done things I wouldn’t dream of professionally but personally it has been a car crash of a year. Starting off in February I got the chance of a lifetime which I am so incredibly grateful for where I got to organize a Scottish journalism competition which was held in May. I got to work with companies I wouldn’t have previously dreamed of such as the Sun, Daily Record and All Media Scotland which is only a few of those great companies.

Leading up until the event I had a dreadful time personally and emotionally. It was a very difficult time for me. My medical team stopped listening to me, dismissed all my low moods/bad thoughts and worries and tried to tell me I was just worried about leaving college and starting University. That wasn’t the case, I was full on dreading University (I will make another post about my update on that another time.) I had been dreading University ever since I submitted my application in January 2016, so not great so far.

I began to be stressed all the time, even for no reason, I reverted back to being constantly tired all the time like I was when I had Iron deficiency anemia and I was constantly miserable.

In the few months leading up until my event, I became extra stressed when things with the event got busy. I couldn’t sleep, cried myself to sleep a lot of nights and ended up going into college to a busy day with working on the event to where I had no energy whatsoever and very little sleep. I either slept too little, or too much, there was no in-between. On top of that I was having regular Councillor appointments to keep my brain from turning to mush. My guidance lecturer at the time was a great support and had my back when the other people organising the event with me were harsh on me or had a go at me, he also forced me to have a lunch break on days where I had so much to do I forgot to even feed myself. He was always there to listen when I had a problem or worry and help me in whatever way he could, and just give me general moral support on days I felt even more crap than usual.

Things got worse from here when something happened at the actual event where another event organiser I won’t name got drunk, swore at our lecturers and was rude to many guests. As a result the night ended badly and this was something which seriously upset me for weeks as to how a great night could end so badly. I still blame her for making the rest of us look like bloody fools. As a result I am now not on the greatest terms with one my old lecturers who I feel started treating me differently because of what happened even though I had no involvement in what she did. I want to try and work things out in the next couple of months with the lecturer even though I’m not at college anymore. I am being very vague on this topic for a reason & because I don’t tend to like going into great detail about other people I mention in my blog posts out of respect for their privacy. This situation is also something that still bothers me.

After the event, my year just went from bad to worse. I started talking to family members on my mum’s side that I hadn’t seen seen since I was about 5 and I’m now 21. They got in touch with me through Facebook and it was nice to have them back in my life and start to get to know them as adults, rather than kids when we were little but it brought up a great deal of bad memories from my childhood that involved other people on that side of the family.

When I left college, the whole class fell apart and stopped talking to each other. There were a group of people who became really nasty in that class towards other students as well as staff. They would sit in lessons and laugh when anyone not in their group spoke, they would bitch about those people behind their back and treat people like shit. Even the lecturers were fed up with them by the end of the course and that’s maybe part of the reason my old lecturer isn’t on the best terms with me, because of that group that ended up being most of the class. They ruined it for the rest of the class, the small minority that were decent. On top of that, the same thing happened that happened when I left high school, what I actually considered my friendship group fell apart. Last time, I had a big group where I lost each person for different reasons, some I just lost touch with whereas others either used me, or I had disagreements with. This time I only had two people out the whole class I considered friends. I realised one of them used me and treated me like crap and the other changed and then started treating me like crap as well.

That left me starting University with only four people I would consider friends, all from different friendship groups, and none of them going to University with me. That put me straight bang into the middle of a direct entry course, where I knew nobody. I got put in a seminar class with a whole bunch of people who had all known each other for three years as they had been in a class together. This made it difficult to make friends and now into the second half of the Academic year, I still have not made any friends at University.

In October of 2016 I got another amazing opportunity that I had never previously dreamed would happen. I got the chance to interview one of my idols, Emma Blackery on the phone while live on a radio show! This day was one of the few good moments from my 2016 & was so surreal when Emma even tweeted me.

After then, things just got even worse. The further I got into my course at University, the more I hated it. I had loved media at college, I even chose PR as my optional choice in the first semester seeing as how I loved it in college. It was a disappointment and felt like a step back from what I did in PR at college. I didn’t make any friends, and began to rush out of classes the second they were finished to avoid having to have awkward conversations with anyone. I ended up getting loads of extensions and got even more low in my mind than I was.

Then the last couple of months got really bad, things happened on Facebook to do with someone I knew in the past that hurt me which brought up a lot of feelings from years ago. Things also happened with someone else I thought I could trust. Then on Christmas day, the one day I thought I could be happy, my gran insulted me. She was outright nasty by telling me if I quit University that my Dad had wasted his life for nothing and then said “Do you not care about what your Dad has given up for you?” She also told me that if I quit University, I would end up exactly like my mother whom has mental health issues. I haven’t spoken to my gran since then apart from to wish her happy new year on the phone and saying hi when she came to my house to see my Dad.

To top it off, so far my 2017 has been pretty bad, a lot of upsetting things has happened this month and I just want it all to stop and things to be okay again. I’ve even done everything and anything as small as sending an email at extra slow pace since 2017 began, I just feel that deflated. More importantly: I want to be happy. I feel that I have forgotten what happiness is and I want to find that again. That’s what I want from 2017 and I hope 2017 is a much better year and a good year for any one that even bothers to read this shit show I call a blog! Onwards and Upwards!

P.S. I made a new years resolution to start posting once a week at least and have already failed at that! Exactly WHY I don’t normally make resolutions!