Posted in Thoughts

Perfume

I have never been a strong lover of Perfume. Throughout my childhood and growing up I was always a tomboy. In my teenage years, my grandparents got into a habit of buying me a really nasty smelling perfume every Christmas for years on end. I, of course, pretended to like it as I didn’t want to upset them. It would then go into the back of the wardrobe to be forgotten about never to be seen again.

I don’t know if them buying me the perfumes was a last ditch attempt at trying to get me to act more girly but it didn’t work. It wasn’t until my later teenage years when I began to like girly things all of my own accord. I was never going to be persuaded to act a certain way by anyone, family or not.

Perhaps it was the awful perfume from my grandparents that put me off perfume for life but even today I don’t tend to use perfume. However, I do make the rare exception when it comes to Kylie Minogue and Cheryl.

If you don’t know, I am a MASSIVE fan of both Kylie and Cheryl. My aunt gave me two Kylie perfumes when I was younger that I didn’t use, but once I actually became a fan of her I began to use them and liked the scents.

The same can be said about Cheryl when she released each of her three perfumes I, of course, had to buy them. I even donated £100 to her charity as part of a competition once to get a signed bottle of her perfume. It may seem mad but I have a strong support for my role models/idols/inspirations and firmly believed in what she was doing with her charity. That and the fact I loved the scents.

Apart from this, I have never really been a perfume person, I just see it as a waste of money if I am brutally honest. I will continue to use my Kylie and Cheryl perfumes and will probably re-purchase when I run out. However, I won’t pursue the interest in buying other perfumes as I am a student without much money and don’t think it is something I can justify spending my money on.

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Picture credit: Cheryl promotional material for her perfume range

Posted in Thoughts

Blanket Of The Heart

My heart is almost enclosed within a blanket protecting it from the dangers of the world. The more living and growing I do and the more I learn, the stronger that blanket becomes.

In other words, the blanket around my heart is like a restrictive barrier you can’t see that stops you from getting too close to me and stops me from letting you into my heart.

It’s the way I have learned from experience when you give too much of yourself, to begin with, there is a high likelihood of that reflecting back and hurting you instead of helping you.

You don’t know someone’s personality the second you meet them, you may think you do but you don’t. It may feel as if you have known that person a lifetime when the reality is you haven’t.

I know from experience that there have been times I have felt a strong emotional connection and understanding with someone right from the moment I have met them. As a result, I’ve jumped in the heart over head and given them everything, every little piece of me just handed to them on a plate. This is the case for friends, relationships, the whole lot.

As a result, those people gave everything to from day one have turned out to not be the person I thought they were, have let me down or worse, seriously hurt me mentally. There are even times where I have taken a long time to trust someone than when I’ve eventually trusted them they’ve changed and let me down or hurt me.

Nowadays, I keep that blanket around my heart for a lot longer until I am 100% sure I can trust that person. I have discovered from experience that personally it seems to hurt more when it’s someone I have given everything to from the start who has hurt me. I guess that’s because right from the start I have perceived them as someone they were not and then there’s the shock and hurt when I realise they are not the person I thought they were.

At least if someone hurts me who I took a long time to trust, I know within me that they were the person I perceived them as and they either made a mistake or changed as a person and I guess that is easier to accept. So in life, I will keep that blanket protecting me from pain until I know I can trust you. Cause I can’t keep opening me heart up, again and again, to be broken. At least this way, it hurts less, at least this way I have the chance to find those that mean what they say and are who they say they are. At least this way I can find the ones that are true and keep them close instead of letting the fakes in only to hurt me. It’s a happier life this way.

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Blanket

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Posted in Thoughts

Roots As Deep As They Go

Roots. Roots to me are more than just the grassy, muddy variety of roots. The grassy muddy kind of roots is quite frankly boring unless you are a gardener. Quite frankly, I doubt anyone would want to even read this blog post if those were the type of roots I was writing about!

Fear not, my life hasn’t suddenly become that black and white……YET.

Today I will be talking about two different type of roots. 1) Family/Friends roots and 2) Career roots.

Family and friends roots are the deeper type of roots, the type of roots which inspired the title for this blog post in regards to today’s Daily Prompt: Roots.

Family and friends I feel are really the people that shape us and help to define us as people. They are the ones who pull us up when we’ve fallen down and always have our backs when something goes wrong. I know that today, I would most likely not even be alive if it wasn’t for those I am blessed to call my friends, my real friends, my true friends.

I’m sure I can say that for most people they always have that one person who puts on the front of being a friend when in actual fact they have never been there for you and you have still to realise this. Unfortunately, enemies can be hidden in disguise as the people you think will stand by you when things go to shit, I should know.

I’ve had plenty of those people who promise they will always be there and then the second I actually need them, they are nowhere to be found. I think that is a learning curve though, those people have made me stronger. Even though it may hurt like fuck at the time, those people have taught me how to see through people’s bullshit. Occasionally someone will slip through, someone will abuse my good nature, win my support and then desert me but that is becoming rarer and rarer the more I grow and the more I experience.

Family and friends are rooted within our hearts, within our souls and help us develop and grow and we wouldn’t be the people we are without them. You may find me constantly moaning about my family as I don’t get on with most of my family but despite this, I know that they will be there when I need it most and for that I am grateful. We need to hang onto those that matter for as long as possible because we don’t know what tomorrow will bring and we don’t want our last words with someone we care about to be an argument.

Now onto the other type of roots: career roots. Within the media industry especially, it isn’t always about what you know but rather who you know. Another thing is, word of mouth goes a long way into getting your foot in the door within the media industry.

I feel that once you establish that initial introduction with a company you wish to work with in the future that is you beginning your roots. That is you planting the seed for progression and potential experience or a job. Once you are working for that company, that is your stepping stone to move onto the next thing: think bigger. You need to do a lot of rooting within various companies as well as networking from the beginning in order to succeed, grow and develop. As long as you have the motivation, the drive and a strong passion you can succeed.

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Unzip Those Feelings

Today I will be talking about my feelings in the sense that I have always been the type of person to bottle up my feelings until they become too much and I then end up almost exploding and breaking down because there are then too many things that have caused me to get low.

It’s no secret that I have major trust issues thanks to the people in my past who have hurt me and let me down when I needed them. As a result, I began to bottle up my feelings even more and it is only recently that I have started working on dealing with my issues at the time that they become an issue.

I think that is partly to do with the fact that now I’m at university, I have become a lot busier and as a result, have to keep a calendar. As a result of this, I realise that I do not always have the time to have a breakdown or stop what I’m doing to deal with a mess of problems. Therefore I have to start dealing with my problems there and then which is something I have always struggled with.

Life is difficult, and I know changing things will be difficult at first but it’s got to get easier. Hasn’t it?

I can’t continue to bottle things up as it has a negative effect on both my mental health and my attitude. Most my arguments I’ve started unreasonably with other people have been because I’ve bottled my feelings up.

I’ve let whatever that person did or said to upset me play on my mind for weeks if not months. As a result, I become a very angry and upset person until one day I can’t hold it in anymore and I have to release.

As a result, I end up flying off the handle with people I care about instead of just talking about it like a grownup. Recently I had a go at someone because they did something which reminded me of someone who hurt me.

The thing that happened with the person who had hurt me was something I didn’t talk about for over three years. As a result, I began to lash out at anyone who would remind me of them and then stop trusting that person.

I have now realised this is an unhealthy attitude and perhaps if I’d have just spoken about the issues at the time, it wouldn’t have come to this. Therefore, zipping up my feelings has also had a negative impact on the way I deal with others, and I want to change that!

Do you have any tips that I can use in order to deal with my problems easier and more efficiently? I want to know. Comment them below!

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Zip

Posted in Thoughts

Life Can Be Opaque At Times

Just going to be a short blog post today since have a lot of uni work I’ve been working on so I am tired.

According to google the definition of Opaque is: “not able to be seen through; not transparent.” I suppose this can be applied to life as well as objects. When I started high school, I was as open as open can be, one of my biggest struggles was seeing through other people’s bullshit – I simply couldn’t do it.

This put me in good stead to then have someone I care about and trusted to completely destroy me and rip me apart to the point I lost all sense of self worth. Since then I feel I began to realise that I gave too much of myself to other people so ended up not leaving enough love behind for myself. I ended up draining myself of all energy because I gave all that energy to other people, most of them didn’t even respect me or even deserve my love and kindness.

Nowadays, I can pretty much see through anyone’s pretentious crap which they call the truth. Although occasionally someone will creep up on me, I will give them my trust and then they will prove why I should not have given my trust to them in the first place.

Life can be Opaque, it can seen difficult at times to be able to see through things and I feel that this is a skill you acquire within life – you make mistakes, you grow and you start to see through the pretense that some people put up. Not everyone is genuine.

Opaque

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

The Climb

Life is a climb, always struggling to reach that next step: that next milestone in life. It would be wrong to say that life is easy, its anything but. Though things may seem difficult and your life may not seem to be worth living at points: things do get better. Things don’t stay the same forever and your challenges will define you and make you a stronger person if you let them.

Learning from your mistakes is difficult but I feel is crucial to becoming that better version of yourself. If you live your life in denial about your mistakes, you will never understand things in a different context or from someone else’s position and you may end up alone.

Recently I have just been officially betrayed and hurt by someone I trusted and gave my heart to, I was dumped by text and to make matters worse he then lied about the reason for this by saying we barely talked which was bullshit.

Past Emma would of allowed herself to be completely 100% broken by an experience like this (flashback to the last person I threw my heart and trust at the moment I met them and rushed in to only be destroyed emotionally and mentally.)

Despite this, present Emma can see her life going on. Yes, I am sad, yes I feel betrayed and yes I feel hurt but it hasn’t ripped me apart and it hasn’t destroyed me like it did the last time. The last time royally fucked me up for YEARS on end.

I feel there are two reasons for this which are 1) I have finally came to terms with my past mistakes and current mistakes and have began to do what I can to fix things if it isn’t too late and 2) I have an amazing group of friends both at university and outside university who have always stood by me and been my crutch to lean on at this hurtful moment in my life.

I used to be that person with 1-2 friends or perhaps even 0 people I felt like I could actually call a friend but now I feel I have a good group of friends who always have my back and that has made me happier, more confident and able to bounce back quicker than ever before.

What I’m trying to say that life is a climb, I hate to bring up Miley Cyrus in a blog post but as her song goes “Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s the climb”

Life is a climb and it isn’t important what’s at the end of each challenge you face, the point is getting there no matter how long it takes you to do it. As you grow, as you learn, you become stronger and you will become more equipped to dealing with life’s plot twists and forks in the road.

Too many young people are pressured upon until their mental health ends up suffering in exchange for school, university and ultimately getting a job. From Primary school, they are constantly pressured into deciding what they want to do when they are adult, this is wrong.

What I want to say is you are not alone: there is always someone willing to help and support you if you look hard enough. I wouldn’t be here today without some amazing inspiring individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing.

I think this is where past Emma went wrong: she was afraid to open up to those she trusted and as a result lost support from some of those people. Today I have major trust issues and it takes a long time for me to trust someone, but once I can trust someone I am now able to open up to them.

I know I wouldn’t be the person today without going through the obstacles I have faced. There was a time when I was a horrible person and I lost the support of the person I trusted most thanks to this but this helped shape me. This helped to define the person I am today and I wouldn’t be the same without this experience.

A very wise woman once said to me “Life is tough and then you die” – the sad reality is this is true, but you are your biggest obstacle to having a more fulfilling life.

Climbing

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Cranky Bitch

I’m a cranky bitch in the morning. Anyone that knows me knows not to disturb me in the morning, the only person I haven’t been rude to first thing in the morning is a good friend of mine when she phoned me at 8am one morning.

Cranky can actually mean two things according to the dictionary: 1) A cranky bitch (aka bad-tempered and irritable and 2) eccentric or strange. I am the definition of both of these meanings.

Only once I have gotten to know you really well and feel 100% comfortable around you will I be a sweet friend and I will love you fiercely and protect your corner: your enemies are my enemies.

I am not always cranky but when I am I may as well have a “warning” sign above my head. I am also cranky when I am tired, I am not great at functioning when tired. The worst bit? I am ALWAYS tired. I used to be anemic so therefore was advised to go to the GP to see if its back but the lazy, procrastinating fuck that I am still hasn’t done this. I also haven’t booked those fillings I got told I needed back in February.

Following on from the blog post I did on procrastination (find this here: Always Later, Procrastinating At It’s Finest) I have recently discovered that I seem to be more productive when drunk. Yes, you heard me right.

On Tuesday I had a university night out where I got completely wasted, danced my way around Mcdonald’s at 1am and told 6 women I am friends with that I love them. Oops! I also did or at least started doing two things I’d been putting off for month’s. Answer to getting all that uni work done? Seems to be getting wasted and doing it then!

Also people that treat me like crap will eventually get the crank bitch in me coming out. I’m too nice and hang onto people way longer than I should but once I realise that they treat me like crap and decide to ditch them, out comes cranky bitch Emma. In other words: don’t get on the wrong side of me.

Sometimes shit hits the fan and life gets too much and I become a cranky bitch but my goal is to try and realise this more so that I can take a step back, relax and de-stress and get over other people’s shit that has caused me to be down.

A recent heart-breaking moment has led to me thinking about my life and why shit always happens to me and I realised something: I wouldn’t want it any other way. Yes, shit happens but that is what has made me such a strong individual today. Right now, this recent betrayal hurts like hell, but I’ll get through it knowing I now have the most amazing group of friends who I probably don’t even deserve.

On Wednesday shit hit the fan and if it wasn’t for my amazing friends in university I would have probably hit the pub and got pissed again despite being hungover at that moment. It made me realise that through all my moaning, I am lucky to have the people I have. I am actually semi-happy and today a never before moment happened in my life: I shared one of my blog posts on my personal Facebook account outside my blog Facebook page and Twitter and Instagram.

Normally I NEVER post my blog posts on my personal account as I cringe at the thought of people I know in real life reading my blog and have no self confidence. I’ve realised I am finally starting to gain confidence and I have my amazing friends to thank for that in finally making me start to realise I am actually worth something. Confidence can get mistaken for arrogance like I’ve said before, but I’m speaking from a girl who has never believed in herself and is finally starting to find herself and even though my heart is hurting right now I am okay, I’ll be fine, I’ll get there and that’s what matters.

Here’s to a happier and more fulfilling life:

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Cranky