Today I will be talking about my feelings in the sense that I have always been the type of person to bottle up my feelings until they become too much and I then end up almost exploding and breaking down because there are then too many things that have caused me to get low.
It’s no secret that I have major trust issues thanks to the people in my past who have hurt me and let me down when I needed them. As a result, I began to bottle up my feelings even more and it is only recently that I have started working on dealing with my issues at the time that they become an issue.
I think that is partly to do with the fact that now I’m at university, I have become a lot busier and as a result, have to keep a calendar. As a result of this, I realise that I do not always have the time to have a breakdown or stop what I’m doing to deal with a mess of problems. Therefore I have to start dealing with my problems there and then which is something I have always struggled with.
Life is difficult, and I know changing things will be difficult at first but it’s got to get easier. Hasn’t it?
I can’t continue to bottle things up as it has a negative effect on both my mental health and my attitude. Most my arguments I’ve started unreasonably with other people have been because I’ve bottled my feelings up.
I’ve let whatever that person did or said to upset me play on my mind for weeks if not months. As a result, I become a very angry and upset person until one day I can’t hold it in anymore and I have to release.
As a result, I end up flying off the handle with people I care about instead of just talking about it like a grownup. Recently I had a go at someone because they did something which reminded me of someone who hurt me.
The thing that happened with the person who had hurt me was something I didn’t talk about for over three years. As a result, I began to lash out at anyone who would remind me of them and then stop trusting that person.
I have now realised this is an unhealthy attitude and perhaps if I’d have just spoken about the issues at the time, it wouldn’t have come to this. Therefore, zipping up my feelings has also had a negative impact on the way I deal with others, and I want to change that!
Do you have any tips that I can use in order to deal with my problems easier and more efficiently? I want to know. Comment them below!
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Today’s daily wordpress prompt is: Chuckle and this gets me thinking on two different accounts. Chuckle means two different things to me and one of them is a reminder of my childhood.
While to many people, chuckle is another term for laughter: chuckle both means laughter to me and also reminds me of one of my childhood favourites: the Chuckle Brothers/Chuckle Vision.
The Chuckle Brothers and Chuckle Vision reminds me of my childhood as they were a TV personality/show which I enjoyed watching.
The other meaning of chuckle: laughter. Isn’t that what life is and should be about? Linking in with the childhood theme, I realise that I technically never had a childhood. I was perhaps forced to grow up quickly and I realise as a child I was always worrying about something or always upset about something.
Throughout my early years, I wasn’t happy because my mum was in and out of hospital with her mental health. Therefore there were times when I would visit her when she was unwell therefore I perhaps spent a lot of time in a more negative mindset than other children my age with always something on my mind.
When I moved to Scotland, I had a couple of years where I actually had a childhood but then when I started high school, I became really depressed and developed Bipolar disorder of which I of course knew nothing of at the time so therefore thought there was nothing wrong and I was the same as other teenagers my age. I was wrong.
As a result it wasn’t really until I got into my second last year of high school that I really began to live my life. Since most of my childhood was unhappy it makes it even more important for me to find enjoyable moments about life, moments where I can laugh aka chuckle.
Life may be tough but it is important to hang onto the good moments and chase the light instead of the dark. As a teenager I spent too long chasing the dark, chasing the bad and over-thinking about the bad. Therefore, I didn’t really focus on enjoyment within life.
My point: Chase the good. There may be bad moments but don’t let them destroy you, chase the you that you want to be.
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Life is a climb, always struggling to reach that next step: that next milestone in life. It would be wrong to say that life is easy, its anything but. Though things may seem difficult and your life may not seem to be worth living at points: things do get better. Things don’t stay the same forever and your challenges will define you and make you a stronger person if you let them.
Learning from your mistakes is difficult but I feel is crucial to becoming that better version of yourself. If you live your life in denial about your mistakes, you will never understand things in a different context or from someone else’s position and you may end up alone.
Recently I have just been officially betrayed and hurt by someone I trusted and gave my heart to, I was dumped by text and to make matters worse he then lied about the reason for this by saying we barely talked which was bullshit.
Past Emma would of allowed herself to be completely 100% broken by an experience like this (flashback to the last person I threw my heart and trust at the moment I met them and rushed in to only be destroyed emotionally and mentally.)
Despite this, present Emma can see her life going on. Yes, I am sad, yes I feel betrayed and yes I feel hurt but it hasn’t ripped me apart and it hasn’t destroyed me like it did the last time. The last time royally fucked me up for YEARS on end.
I feel there are two reasons for this which are 1) I have finally came to terms with my past mistakes and current mistakes and have began to do what I can to fix things if it isn’t too late and 2) I have an amazing group of friends both at university and outside university who have always stood by me and been my crutch to lean on at this hurtful moment in my life.
I used to be that person with 1-2 friends or perhaps even 0 people I felt like I could actually call a friend but now I feel I have a good group of friends who always have my back and that has made me happier, more confident and able to bounce back quicker than ever before.
What I’m trying to say that life is a climb, I hate to bring up Miley Cyrus in a blog post but as her song goes “Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s the climb”
Life is a climb and it isn’t important what’s at the end of each challenge you face, the point is getting there no matter how long it takes you to do it. As you grow, as you learn, you become stronger and you will become more equipped to dealing with life’s plot twists and forks in the road.
Too many young people are pressured upon until their mental health ends up suffering in exchange for school, university and ultimately getting a job. From Primary school, they are constantly pressured into deciding what they want to do when they are adult, this is wrong.
What I want to say is you are not alone: there is always someone willing to help and support you if you look hard enough. I wouldn’t be here today without some amazing inspiring individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing.
I think this is where past Emma went wrong: she was afraid to open up to those she trusted and as a result lost support from some of those people. Today I have major trust issues and it takes a long time for me to trust someone, but once I can trust someone I am now able to open up to them.
I know I wouldn’t be the person today without going through the obstacles I have faced. There was a time when I was a horrible person and I lost the support of the person I trusted most thanks to this but this helped shape me. This helped to define the person I am today and I wouldn’t be the same without this experience.
A very wise woman once said to me “Life is tough and then you die” – the sad reality is this is true, but you are your biggest obstacle to having a more fulfilling life.
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I’m a cranky bitch in the morning. Anyone that knows me knows not to disturb me in the morning, the only person I haven’t been rude to first thing in the morning is a good friend of mine when she phoned me at 8am one morning.
Cranky can actually mean two things according to the dictionary: 1) A cranky bitch (aka bad-tempered and irritable and 2) eccentric or strange. I am the definition of both of these meanings.
Only once I have gotten to know you really well and feel 100% comfortable around you will I be a sweet friend and I will love you fiercely and protect your corner: your enemies are my enemies.
I am not always cranky but when I am I may as well have a “warning” sign above my head. I am also cranky when I am tired, I am not great at functioning when tired. The worst bit? I am ALWAYS tired. I used to be anemic so therefore was advised to go to the GP to see if its back but the lazy, procrastinating fuck that I am still hasn’t done this. I also haven’t booked those fillings I got told I needed back in February.
Following on from the blog post I did on procrastination (find this here: Always Later, Procrastinating At It’s Finest) I have recently discovered that I seem to be more productive when drunk. Yes, you heard me right.
On Tuesday I had a university night out where I got completely wasted, danced my way around Mcdonald’s at 1am and told 6 women I am friends with that I love them. Oops! I also did or at least started doing two things I’d been putting off for month’s. Answer to getting all that uni work done? Seems to be getting wasted and doing it then!
Also people that treat me like crap will eventually get the crank bitch in me coming out. I’m too nice and hang onto people way longer than I should but once I realise that they treat me like crap and decide to ditch them, out comes cranky bitch Emma. In other words: don’t get on the wrong side of me.
Sometimes shit hits the fan and life gets too much and I become a cranky bitch but my goal is to try and realise this more so that I can take a step back, relax and de-stress and get over other people’s shit that has caused me to be down.
A recent heart-breaking moment has led to me thinking about my life and why shit always happens to me and I realised something: I wouldn’t want it any other way. Yes, shit happens but that is what has made me such a strong individual today. Right now, this recent betrayal hurts like hell, but I’ll get through it knowing I now have the most amazing group of friends who I probably don’t even deserve.
On Wednesday shit hit the fan and if it wasn’t for my amazing friends in university I would have probably hit the pub and got pissed again despite being hungover at that moment. It made me realise that through all my moaning, I am lucky to have the people I have. I am actually semi-happy and today a never before moment happened in my life: I shared one of my blog posts on my personal Facebook account outside my blog Facebook page and Twitter and Instagram.
Normally I NEVER post my blog posts on my personal account as I cringe at the thought of people I know in real life reading my blog and have no self confidence. I’ve realised I am finally starting to gain confidence and I have my amazing friends to thank for that in finally making me start to realise I am actually worth something. Confidence can get mistaken for arrogance like I’ve said before, but I’m speaking from a girl who has never believed in herself and is finally starting to find herself and even though my heart is hurting right now I am okay, I’ll be fine, I’ll get there and that’s what matters.
Here’s to a happier and more fulfilling life:
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You caught me reviewing ANOTHER Netflix original but what else would you expect from that master procrastinating student with a Netflix subscription? If there’s procrastination to be done, it will ALWAYS involve a glance at what can be watched on Netflix.
First point I would like to make, it is obvious right from the start that this TV show has a strong theme around someone committing suicide so if you are easily triggered by things like that, then this might be one you wish to avoid.
Before even getting into the first episode I can establish that I already love the graphics displayed at the start of the episode. The show appears to have a high school setting which reminds me of the typical American high school drama for teenagers.
I can be easily distracted and just to follow that trait I became distracted by the song playing at the start of the first episode and began to focus more on that than the main character Hannah, who was talking over the top so I had to rewind to re-cap.
Music is life for me, I live and breathe music and therefore when I hear a song that I like that I haven’t heard before, I become mesmerised in this song and focus more on the song than anything else which surrounds it.
The whole atmosphere makes me think of when I was at high school which is heightened by the fact that there is a teacher with the same name as one of my old high school teachers.
When Clay’s friend offers him a ride home, the car and the way the friend is dressed seems to remind me of Danny from Grease in a negative way although he seems better put together than Danny was in Grease.
Things seem weird between Clay and his Dad in the sense that it seems much more professional than a father/son relationship should be. I can relate to this in one sense because I don’t exactly get on well with my Dad but in the other sense it puts a question in my mind as to why it is so professional between them.
I think if I got home to find a random box full of numbered tapes outside my front door with my name on, I would be slightly more curious as to where they came from and perhaps slightly more hesitant to listen to them at first without trying to investigate.
Watching this, I feel a little old. I remember having cassette tapes as a child and I like the way they have conveyed the story a step back in time like this.
Again, I find myself able to relate to the show in the fact that when Hannah says the truth is the least popular story about her. Whenever I was being bullied in high school, the truth was always never spoken about as lies spread made better stories about a person than the truth did.
I don’t like the way in which in episode three the story is then told through the character’s as I prefer it when it is Hannah’s words and then it shows the other character’s story.
I love the fact each episode is named by the what tape and side they are on with the reasons as to why Hannah killed herself as its original and makes it easier to follow.
One thing 13 Reasons Why teaches viewers is that if you are a not very nice person, you will always get what is coming to you.
I feel as if every new TV show these days have clear evidence of product placement and this is no difference with the constant use of beats headphones.
13 Reasons Why reinforces the purpose on offering support to vulnerable people/those with mental health issues, depression or suicidal thoughts.
In Episode 7: Tape 4, Side A Hannah says “You’re going to tell me this one’s no big deal.” – When it comes to mental health, EVERYTHING is a big deal.
This show really makes you think about mental health and the way in which so much goes unnoticed or not spoken about because of the heavy stigma attached.
In episode 7: Tape 4, Side A it is also shown that Hannah puts a question the class discussion bag asking “What if the only way not to feel bad is to stop feeling anything at all forever?” After this is read out to the class, the first person to say their thoughts on this is that whoever wrote it is an attention seeker, another person thinks its a joke and a third thinks its a cry for help.
This is unfortunately an accurate representation of the mental health stigma in this country. When people do speak out about needing help mentally, they can be branded as attention seeking or as if they are joking instead of being taken seriously.
This indicates that we need to take an active role in changing this perception of mental health and making it less of a taboo subject to talk about. I am really glad Netflix decided to turn this into a TV show as I feel as if the more we highlight and talk about the realities of mental health, the more people will feel as if they are not alone and we can hopefully encourage them to speak about it.
I love the way in which, as Hannah is telling the story of her death, what we see on screen is split between a replica of what she describes on her tapes and the aftermath of her death.
By showing the viewer only what Hannah conveys, it leads you to question: Is everything Hannah is saying accurate? As the season goes on, we begin to get a sense that not everything Hannah says may be the truth, our first major indication of this being when Zach shows Clay that he still has the letter Hannah wrote and din’t throw it away like Hannah states he does.
It seems as if once Hannah dies, everyone left behind that was somehow the cause of her death always have an ulterior motif when it comes to the tapes and it never has anything to do with the remembrance of Hannah or trying to put their wrongs to right. It tends to be more about saving themselves from liability. This only changes at the very end.
I absolutely love the fact that they put content warnings where people may be triggered or too young to watch when needed and really respect them for doing this as I know sometimes TV shows won’t do that because it will turn some viewers away.
Suicide has the power to destroy the lives of those left behind so I believe it is crucial having shows like these to highlight the issue and hopefully encourage anyone who feels suicidal to seek help.
I wasn’t expecting the show to end where it did, I also wasn’t expecting tape 13 to be the person whom it was. The show had me hooked right from the start & contained plot twists right to the very end which held my attention.
I would definitely recommend this show to others and feel that it makes you think more about mental health and suicide and the fact that you never know the full extent of what someone else may be going through. Don’t spend your life bringing others down cause you have no idea what it may lead to!
A final thing – the soundtrack is amazing. Throughout the show, I found myself getting immersed completely in not only the plot but also the music. A great show through and through and definitely one that made me think.
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What do you see when you look at the world around you? Different people will see different things but one thing I have learned throughout my life is: Life is tough, Life can be painful and those people that promise they will always be there for you aren’t always telling the truth. Don’t promise me you’ll be there any time I need to talk or moan if you are just going to drop me as soon as things get tough!
Life can be painful. I was speaking with a friend recently about the fact that the nicest people tend to be the ones who get treated the worst and its completely true. She spoke of how people will spread lies about the nicest people and take advance of their good nature and its completely true.
Time and time again I have been treated like shit, and my problem is that I don’t like to let people go. If I have an understanding with someone on a specific topic that is close to my heart, I will hang onto that person way longer than I should despite the fact that they don’t value me as a friend.
A big example of this is last year at college. There were two girls I considered friends out my class. One of them constantly treated me like shit and pulled me down but I hung onto her because we connected over both having mental health issues. The other girl didn’t originally treat me like shit, but changed as soon as we started university and then began to treat me like shit. I hung onto her because I knew she hadn’t been like that before being friends with the other girl so I thought that she’d go back to how she used to be, it never happened.
I only cut both of these people out my life after listening to the advice of someone I now consider a good friend who has stuck by me and been my lifeline since leaving college. When I cut these girls out my life, the one who had always treated me like shit never even tried to contact me so clearly never valued my friendship.
The other girl claimed she didn’t notice for a whole month then when she contacted me saying she’d just noticed I had deleted her off Facebook, she told me about a personal issue she had going on and then said “I really need a friend right now.” Really? REALLY?
This girl ignored me, argued with me and told me to shut up for no reason on multiple occasions and she expects me to be there for her but not the other way around? Then when I don’t respond to her, she blocks me on Facebook? Friendship works both ways but some people don’t seem to understand that.
Other people have taken me for granted and just assumed I would always be there so they treated me like crap. What I’m trying to say is a lot of bad things happen in this world. Everyone has their own problems and a lot of the time you may not even know what that person has to go through. So why make their life anymore difficult than it has to be?
I have major trust issues. As I’ve said in previous blog posts: It often takes me a very long time before I can trust people, a lot longer than it takes most people. There are two exceptions to this. 1) A teacher I had in high school and 2) my boyfriend. Both of these people I felt completely comfortable around for the start but that said teacher is someone who ended up letting me down and hurting me.
The reason I have so many trust issues is because of other people, the people who have let me down when I’ve put all my trust in them and the people who have hurt me. As a result, I struggle to trust new people and it takes a long time before I can.
An example of this being through my three years at college. It wasn’t until my third and last year where I was fully able to trust my guidance lecturer.
What I say – When in life people hurt you, when people let you down or when bad things happen: take a step back, withdraw yourself slightly and allow yourself time to heal, time to move on. It won’t happen straight away but I feel it’s important to do this instead of rushing straight back into the next thing in life. Take a little time out, then you’ll come back stronger than ever.
How do you heal yourself from the world around you?
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I will leave you with a picture quote that sums me up as a person:
Disclosure: This is a sponsored post by Bidvine but all views are my own.
Have you ever been in search of a service but can’t quite find a decent one for what you are looking for?
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Today I will be focusing on the service of Stress Management Coaching. I chose to focus on this service specifically because I am one of those people who is very likely to get incredibly stressed when I am under pressure at university or various other aspects of my life.
Just last year when things got busy with my event I became really stressed to the point I had so much to organise I would forget to eat lunch and had to be reminded to do this by my guidance lecturer.
Recently, I had to let people down and post certain blog posts a bit later and also cancel other plans because I became unwell and at the same time had a large amount of university coursework to work on!
Before I found out about Bidvine, I didn’t even know that Stress Management Coaching was a service which you could specifically search for online, I had heard of counselling but that was about it.
Bidvine makes it so easy, all you have to do is use the search box at the top of the website for the service, enter your postcode and click submit.
Stress is something that we all face at least once in our life when pressures build up so it is useful to know how to manage this.
You then follow a series of steps that allow you to customize the service to suit yourself. You get the option to choose how often you want the service, what days of the week you are available and even the gender you would prefer your coach to be.
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Bidvine makes it easier to narrow down the search to find the provider right for you.
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Anxiety can affect anyone, it is something that affects me on a regular basis to the point it can even change my daily behaviour at times. I took part in the Kalms #livelifeready campaign which required me to track my anxiety over a week and think about steps in which I can overcome this anxiety.
Tuesday 28th February:
Today I ended up running late and arriving at university 15-20 minutes late. I got really anxious, agitated and worked up at the thought of having to walk into a class late to the point I didn’t end up going to that specific lecture as the anxiety got too high.
Also, every time I get a new email to do with my blog, I get a burst of anxiety where I automatically assume/think it is going to be saying something bad when in actual reality the people emailing me are never saying something bad, its just a sense I get. Even when I get emails from my university lecturers I get a lot of anxiety to read the emails incase it is something negative especially around the times I am due marks back from certain assignments. Today I decided to set aside just five minutes to responding to emails in the hope that doing a little bit at a time would help calm my anxiety and mean that I would have less daunting emails waiting for me.
Wednesday 1st March:
Today I was supposed to go into university for pretty much a full, busy day but I woke up with a splitting headache and generally not feeling very well so I took the day off. I got some more sleep but it was constantly interrupted and I kept waking up until I decided at 1pm to get up since I was waking up that often. When I decided to get up, I was worried and anxious that my Dad would think I had pretended to be ill so I wouldn’t have to go into uni as my Dad used to always think that when I stayed off ill but luckily he didn’t, he knew I wasn’t feeling well.
Thursday 2nd March:
Today I felt anxious at the end of a seminar class I had because I was yet to be given a topic/week for my student led seminar seeing as the lecturer wasn’t getting a reply from the other girl who supposedly didn’t have a topic. At the end of the class it turned out there was another student who also didn’t have a topic but I felt anxious waiting to find a moment to but in since my lecturer wasn’t aware I was still there/in the class that day! I gave myself a moment to breathe slowly till I alerted my lecturer of my presence and then butted in without thinking before I could give myself a chance to get even more anxious.
Friday 3rd March:
Today my anxiety hit me when I arrived at Uni and I bumped into someone I know from a society as this is someone I don’t know very well yet. I felt anxious talking to them because of this and wasn’t sure if it was them at first or not. In order to overcome this anxiety, I said hi and then luckily the person started speaking to me and I knew it was them.
I also felt anxious when it was time to go to my radio show. My bus was running late, therefore I ended up slightly late to my radio show which made me really anxious. To tackle this, I contacted the person I do my show with to alert them that I was running late so they were aware which made me a little less anxious about how they’d react.
Saturday 4th March:
I go to a regular art class each Saturday but this Saturday was different. A woman was coming from a company who’s doing a project based on people under-represented in the media whom I might be taking part in the project. I got a picture taken and interviewed and at first I had a lot of anxiety as I had only met her one time previously. I forced my brain to focus on the fact that I was taking part in a worthwhile project and to treat it a little as if it was an interview, in the end my anxiety calmed by the fact that the woman was friendly and easy to chat to so I began to feel more comfortable around her.
Sunday 5th March:
Today I went to my local Lidl to get stuff for my packed lunch for tomorrow and Tuesday.
When I went to Lidl, I was paying in loose change since most the stuff I was buying was from Sainsbury’s and I had lots of change I wanted to get rid of. I hadn’t taken enough out my purse so I not only felt anxious paying in loose change but I also felt anxious getting the extra out my purse while at the till as I prefer to have all the money in my hand before I get to the till. I tried to breathe a bit slower without it being noticeable while also focusing all my attention on getting the rest of the money out of my purse and not looking at other people as this would have made me anxious wondering if I was annoying them.
Monday 6th March:
In one of my seminars, we were in a computer lab being shown how to write a literature review which is preparation for our dissertation which we will carry out next year.
The lecturer started leaning over everyone’s shoulders to see what they had written during the class which made me anxious and begin to worry about whether my work was good enough. Each time the lecturer came to look at my work, I tried to focus my full attention on what I was doing as this allowed me at points to not even notice when she was behind me which therefore made me less anxious.
When I went to my radio show today I felt anxious because I was a bit earlier than the usual time I arrive so the people doing a radio show before me had a guest in so I felt anxious not to really talk as I don’t know the presenters very well or the guest so don’t yet feel completely comfortable around the presenters even though they are younger than me. Therefore, I pretty much stayed in the green room area until it was time for my show, using my phone to distract me which helped keep me calmer.
Tuesday 7th March:
I began to feel anxious when I got on my bus and it started moving as soon as I got my ticket as I wasn’t expecting the bus to move so quickly and I hate having to climb stairs and navigate the top deck while the bus is moving in case I was to fall. To combat this, I made sure to hold onto a handrail at all times and get a seat as quickly as I could.
When I arrived at Uni I was anxious walking into my seminar class as I was about five minutes late and they had already started so I felt anxious walking in while other students were presenting their student led seminar. I couldn’t really stop some people from staring at me so I found an empty seat as quickly as I could & sat down as quietly as I could so as not to draw extra attention that would make me more anxious.
My Dad then phoned me while I was waiting at the bus stop and I was listening to music on my phone so I cancelled the call as it annoyed me because I was in the middle of a song I liked and felt anxious to answer in front of so many people. As a result I waited till I was on the bus and text him instead. The bus ended up not turning up on time so I got annoyed/anxious so ran to the train station to get the train instead. On the train I had to sit on the inside with someone I don’t know on the outside which makes me anxious in case they are getting off after me. I took out my kindle fire so I could distract myself by doing Uni work to try and calm my anxiety. Luckily the woman got off before me.
What I realised:
Through tracking my anxiety for a week, I realised that a lot of the things I got anxious about, were stupid things where the outcome turned out different to the reason I was anxious about it. I realise I need to start improving on my anxiety management.
What can be done to relieve periods of mild anxiety?
Kalms have released a product titled “Kalms Lavender One-A-Day Capsules.” This is a traditional herbal medicine containing lavender oil which provides the temporary relief of mild anxiety and is to be taken once a day.
Research has been conducted to show that the uniquely prepared pharmaceutical quality lavender oil which is the active ingredient found only in this product can reduce the over stimulation of nerve cells therefore improving symptoms of anxiety.