Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management

Post, Post, Delete

In case it hasn’t become obvious since I started this blog, I have A LOT of insecurities. And, I mean A LOT.

There are many different things which trigger my anxiety or mental health. One of my anxiety triggers is people I care about not seeing my tweets.

In other words: When I make jokes about certain things on Twitter, if I don’t either get a like or a reply from the person I’ve tweeted it too, I have a bad habit of then deleting that tweet.

Now, I know all too well that people I tweet won’t see everything I tweet, people I’m a fan of getting thousands/millions of notifications and just haven’t seen what I’ve said.

However, my anxiety tells me I’ve done wrong. If I don’t get instant praise from the people I tweet, my anxiety tells me that they are upset by what I’ve said. My anxiety tells me I’ve annoyed them. My anxiety tells me they’ve muted me. My anxiety tells me they don’t care about me. My anxiety tells me they hate me.

Now, I know, hand on heart this isn’t true. Yes, some of these things my anxiety tells me may be true about the odd person but the truth is that that person probably doesn’t even think about the situation nearly as much as I am.

I don’t expect my friends to reply to me instantly, I’m aware that people get busy. I don’t expect people I’m a fan of to constantly acknowledge everything I say & give me constant gratitude, far from it.

What I’m getting at is, it’s good to learn to distance yourself from your anxiety. As soon as you can distance yourself, you can begin to then fight back.

When you distance yourself from anxiety, you can be rational & think “no anxiety, you are wrong, that isn’t the case.” When you distance yourself from anxiety, you can say “this proves why my anxiety is wrong, I’m not going to fall for it.”

Think of it this way: would you ever go up to someone & tell them that all the people they care about & trust hate them? Would you go up to people & tell them everything that’s wrong with them? Chances are you wouldn’t but if you do then you clearly are a horrible person.

What I’m trying to say is: treat your anxiety as someone else. Your anxiety IS NOT and WILL NOT define who you are as a person if you don’t allow it to.

When your anxiety tells you these things, fight back & tell it that they are a horrible person & that what they are saying is simply not true.

It may seem small, but the more I prove to my anxiety It’s wrong, the more I believe it. The more I put my anxiety in its place, the more I remain in control rather than letting it take control.

I’ve become much better at dealing with my anxiety recently & I barely ever delete my tweets anymore but we all have bad days & sometimes it gets to me. Just remember to keep proving the truth to your anxiety.

That doesn’t mean that social media doesn’t get to my head at times. Recently I’ve felt that familiar sensation of Twitter anxiety again & the lines between me & my anxiety have begun to blur. When it becomes blurry, that’s when it’s time to take a step back.

It’s okay to take time away from social media, the world isn’t going to end no matter how much it may feel like it.

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management

Take Mental Health Seriously

I wasn’t going to share this, however, I have always considered myself a mental health advocate and a firm believer in people being able to talk about it.

In the past couple of months, my anxiety has been at an all-time high. I have a lot going on with my mental health. This includes random anxiety attacks which I cannot predict which causes me lots of distress at the time.

Sometimes a trigger for an anxiety attack can be crowds of people. Tonight at about 9pm, I was standing at a bus stop with my Dad after coming out of the cinema waiting for the bus home.

There were people everywhere when I felt that oh too familiar rush to the heart, the temperature and the watching everyone around me thinking they were out to harm me.

Of course, this probably wasn’t the case but anxiety listens to no one. My best option when I’m having an anxiety attack is to get out of that situation. I was unable to do that at this point so I resulted trying to find my own standing place where I could tune into the music on my iPod and find a mental place to calm down.

Now, just because you can’t see mental health, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. What happened next, when I was at my most distressed, there was a woman sat on the bus that was currently pulled in at the bus stop.

I’m not going into descriptions here as they do not matter but she was sat on this bus, with another adult and two children while pointing me out to the other woman and the children and laughing at me and making fun of me to them.

At what point does this woman consider that she is essentially teaching children to pick on people for their flaws?

Just because you can’t see mental health, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I hope that woman never has to experience mental health or anxiety.

 

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My Anxiety is like a storm that rages in when it wants without warning.

 

Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management

Grey VS Colour

Grey, life is grey: always grey.

When you are mentally low you don’t see the colours in life, life becomes one dank dark place and you see the world in black and white instead of colour.

Mental illness has become a sort of taboo subject to talk about and it doesn’t help when some people in school see mental health as a way to manipulate others. There’s no wonder that many young people don’t talk about mental health because they see is a subject that can’t be approached and we need to work to change this.

I know from experience that any kind of mental health or depression is a difficult subject to talk about and something we should embrace more. When my Bipolar comes into play, I cease to see the joys in life.

I think of my life as a dank and miserable existence in which I can’t anticipate the future and just want out. Life becomes bleak and grey with no hope left. You start to over-think and analyse everything even coming to conclusions about people based on non-existent reasons.

Bipolar can make you imagine what is not there, imagine people you care about being nasty about you and warp your conceptions on why people you care about have acted in a certain way, therefore, causing you to treat them differently, call them out for it or stop talking to them completely.

It can also make you assume that other people know what they have done to upset you when in actual reality, they probably don’t know. Of course, there are always people who will upset you on purpose but you have to separate them from the good that generally does care about you and didn’t mean to hurt you. Mental health, therefore, makes this process and practically any other life process a lot more difficult for you.

Obviously, if you call someone out for a reason your mental health has made up you can be seen as crazy or else that person will leave you because they don’t know why you are going off the rail. Also, mental health issues can make it a lot more difficult to work your problems out with others.

Bipolar can cause me at times, to even see people in grey. Whereas another person might always see the good in the people around them, someone with Bipolar can change their view of people if that person does one thing that hurts them deeply. I don’t mean to do that, I do mean to give the person a chance to explain but there are times when that doesn’t happen.

Another issue I have is trusting people, although this isn’t just reliant on my Bipolar. This is also because of the people who have hurt me. When I was in my younger years of high school, the teacher I trusted most let me down and wasn’t there for me when I needed her and essentially had a negative effect on my life at that time.

Before I met her, I trusted people way too easily. When bullies tried to get information out of me, I just offered it up not realising they were just looking for a topic for gossiping and being mean about me behind my back.

Since then, it can be said as both a positive and a negative thing that I don’t trust people as easily now. I can see through most people’s bullshit, and I can protect my heart from being crushed by being selective with who I trust. However, the negative side of this is that as soon as someone I trust does the smallest thing to hurt me, I get defensive and shut them out instead of talking to them and telling them why they hurt me. Also, because it takes me longer to trust people when I start a new experience: everyone around about me establishes their friendship groups before me so therefore I feel like an outsider who is not welcome.

Life with a mental illness is difficult and gives a different perspective on life – sometimes positive and sometimes negative when my mental health gets low. I begin to see things in grey instead of colour as if I am wearing tinted sunglasses to view the world but when I am well I can see the joy and that is the moments worth living for.

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Gray (Daily Promt, Written in American spelling)

Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Unzip Those Feelings

Today I will be talking about my feelings in the sense that I have always been the type of person to bottle up my feelings until they become too much and I then end up almost exploding and breaking down because there are then too many things that have caused me to get low.

It’s no secret that I have major trust issues thanks to the people in my past who have hurt me and let me down when I needed them. As a result, I began to bottle up my feelings even more and it is only recently that I have started working on dealing with my issues at the time that they become an issue.

I think that is partly to do with the fact that now I’m at university, I have become a lot busier and as a result, have to keep a calendar. As a result of this, I realise that I do not always have the time to have a breakdown or stop what I’m doing to deal with a mess of problems. Therefore I have to start dealing with my problems there and then which is something I have always struggled with.

Life is difficult, and I know changing things will be difficult at first but it’s got to get easier. Hasn’t it?

I can’t continue to bottle things up as it has a negative effect on both my mental health and my attitude. Most my arguments I’ve started unreasonably with other people have been because I’ve bottled my feelings up.

I’ve let whatever that person did or said to upset me play on my mind for weeks if not months. As a result, I become a very angry and upset person until one day I can’t hold it in anymore and I have to release.

As a result, I end up flying off the handle with people I care about instead of just talking about it like a grownup. Recently I had a go at someone because they did something which reminded me of someone who hurt me.

The thing that happened with the person who had hurt me was something I didn’t talk about for over three years. As a result, I began to lash out at anyone who would remind me of them and then stop trusting that person.

I have now realised this is an unhealthy attitude and perhaps if I’d have just spoken about the issues at the time, it wouldn’t have come to this. Therefore, zipping up my feelings has also had a negative impact on the way I deal with others, and I want to change that!

Do you have any tips that I can use in order to deal with my problems easier and more efficiently? I want to know. Comment them below!

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Zip

Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Chuckle: Daily Prompt

Today’s daily wordpress prompt is: Chuckle and this gets me thinking on two different accounts. Chuckle means two different things to me and one of them is a reminder of my childhood.

While to many people, chuckle is another term for laughter: chuckle both means laughter to me and also reminds me of one of my childhood favourites: the Chuckle Brothers/Chuckle Vision.

The Chuckle Brothers and Chuckle Vision reminds me of my childhood as they were a TV personality/show which I enjoyed watching.

The other meaning of chuckle: laughter. Isn’t that what life is and should be about? Linking in with the childhood theme, I realise that I technically never had a childhood. I was perhaps forced to grow up quickly and I realise as a child I was always worrying about something or always upset about something.

Throughout my early years, I wasn’t happy because my mum was in and out of hospital with her mental health. Therefore there were times when I would visit her when she was unwell therefore I perhaps spent a lot of time in a more negative mindset than other children my age with always something on my mind.

When I moved to Scotland, I had a couple of years where I actually had a childhood but then when I started high school, I became really depressed and developed Bipolar disorder of which I of course knew nothing of at the time so therefore thought there was nothing wrong and I was the same as other teenagers my age. I was wrong.

As a result it wasn’t really until I got into my second last year of high school that I really began to live my life. Since most of my childhood was unhappy it makes it even more important for me to find enjoyable moments about life, moments where I can laugh aka chuckle.

Life may be tough but it is important to hang onto the good moments and chase the light instead of the dark. As a teenager I spent too long chasing the dark, chasing the bad and over-thinking about the bad. Therefore, I didn’t really focus on enjoyment within life.

My point: Chase the good. There may be bad moments but don’t let them destroy you, chase the you that you want to be.

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

The Climb

Life is a climb, always struggling to reach that next step: that next milestone in life. It would be wrong to say that life is easy, its anything but. Though things may seem difficult and your life may not seem to be worth living at points: things do get better. Things don’t stay the same forever and your challenges will define you and make you a stronger person if you let them.

Learning from your mistakes is difficult but I feel is crucial to becoming that better version of yourself. If you live your life in denial about your mistakes, you will never understand things in a different context or from someone else’s position and you may end up alone.

Recently I have just been officially betrayed and hurt by someone I trusted and gave my heart to, I was dumped by text and to make matters worse he then lied about the reason for this by saying we barely talked which was bullshit.

Past Emma would of allowed herself to be completely 100% broken by an experience like this (flashback to the last person I threw my heart and trust at the moment I met them and rushed in to only be destroyed emotionally and mentally.)

Despite this, present Emma can see her life going on. Yes, I am sad, yes I feel betrayed and yes I feel hurt but it hasn’t ripped me apart and it hasn’t destroyed me like it did the last time. The last time royally fucked me up for YEARS on end.

I feel there are two reasons for this which are 1) I have finally came to terms with my past mistakes and current mistakes and have began to do what I can to fix things if it isn’t too late and 2) I have an amazing group of friends both at university and outside university who have always stood by me and been my crutch to lean on at this hurtful moment in my life.

I used to be that person with 1-2 friends or perhaps even 0 people I felt like I could actually call a friend but now I feel I have a good group of friends who always have my back and that has made me happier, more confident and able to bounce back quicker than ever before.

What I’m trying to say that life is a climb, I hate to bring up Miley Cyrus in a blog post but as her song goes “Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s the climb”

Life is a climb and it isn’t important what’s at the end of each challenge you face, the point is getting there no matter how long it takes you to do it. As you grow, as you learn, you become stronger and you will become more equipped to dealing with life’s plot twists and forks in the road.

Too many young people are pressured upon until their mental health ends up suffering in exchange for school, university and ultimately getting a job. From Primary school, they are constantly pressured into deciding what they want to do when they are adult, this is wrong.

What I want to say is you are not alone: there is always someone willing to help and support you if you look hard enough. I wouldn’t be here today without some amazing inspiring individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing.

I think this is where past Emma went wrong: she was afraid to open up to those she trusted and as a result lost support from some of those people. Today I have major trust issues and it takes a long time for me to trust someone, but once I can trust someone I am now able to open up to them.

I know I wouldn’t be the person today without going through the obstacles I have faced. There was a time when I was a horrible person and I lost the support of the person I trusted most thanks to this but this helped shape me. This helped to define the person I am today and I wouldn’t be the same without this experience.

A very wise woman once said to me “Life is tough and then you die” – the sad reality is this is true, but you are your biggest obstacle to having a more fulfilling life.

Climbing

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Cranky Bitch

I’m a cranky bitch in the morning. Anyone that knows me knows not to disturb me in the morning, the only person I haven’t been rude to first thing in the morning is a good friend of mine when she phoned me at 8am one morning.

Cranky can actually mean two things according to the dictionary: 1) A cranky bitch (aka bad-tempered and irritable and 2) eccentric or strange. I am the definition of both of these meanings.

Only once I have gotten to know you really well and feel 100% comfortable around you will I be a sweet friend and I will love you fiercely and protect your corner: your enemies are my enemies.

I am not always cranky but when I am I may as well have a “warning” sign above my head. I am also cranky when I am tired, I am not great at functioning when tired. The worst bit? I am ALWAYS tired. I used to be anemic so therefore was advised to go to the GP to see if its back but the lazy, procrastinating fuck that I am still hasn’t done this. I also haven’t booked those fillings I got told I needed back in February.

Following on from the blog post I did on procrastination (find this here: Always Later, Procrastinating At It’s Finest) I have recently discovered that I seem to be more productive when drunk. Yes, you heard me right.

On Tuesday I had a university night out where I got completely wasted, danced my way around Mcdonald’s at 1am and told 6 women I am friends with that I love them. Oops! I also did or at least started doing two things I’d been putting off for month’s. Answer to getting all that uni work done? Seems to be getting wasted and doing it then!

Also people that treat me like crap will eventually get the crank bitch in me coming out. I’m too nice and hang onto people way longer than I should but once I realise that they treat me like crap and decide to ditch them, out comes cranky bitch Emma. In other words: don’t get on the wrong side of me.

Sometimes shit hits the fan and life gets too much and I become a cranky bitch but my goal is to try and realise this more so that I can take a step back, relax and de-stress and get over other people’s shit that has caused me to be down.

A recent heart-breaking moment has led to me thinking about my life and why shit always happens to me and I realised something: I wouldn’t want it any other way. Yes, shit happens but that is what has made me such a strong individual today. Right now, this recent betrayal hurts like hell, but I’ll get through it knowing I now have the most amazing group of friends who I probably don’t even deserve.

On Wednesday shit hit the fan and if it wasn’t for my amazing friends in university I would have probably hit the pub and got pissed again despite being hungover at that moment. It made me realise that through all my moaning, I am lucky to have the people I have. I am actually semi-happy and today a never before moment happened in my life: I shared one of my blog posts on my personal Facebook account outside my blog Facebook page and Twitter and Instagram.

Normally I NEVER post my blog posts on my personal account as I cringe at the thought of people I know in real life reading my blog and have no self confidence. I’ve realised I am finally starting to gain confidence and I have my amazing friends to thank for that in finally making me start to realise I am actually worth something. Confidence can get mistaken for arrogance like I’ve said before, but I’m speaking from a girl who has never believed in herself and is finally starting to find herself and even though my heart is hurting right now I am okay, I’ll be fine, I’ll get there and that’s what matters.

Here’s to a happier and more fulfilling life:

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Cranky