I wasn’t going to share this, however, I have always considered myself a mental health advocate and a firm believer in people being able to talk about it.
In the past couple of months, my anxiety has been at an all-time high. I have a lot going on with my mental health. This includes random anxiety attacks which I cannot predict which causes me lots of distress at the time.
Sometimes a trigger for an anxiety attack can be crowds of people. Tonight at about 9pm, I was standing at a bus stop with my Dad after coming out of the cinema waiting for the bus home.
There were people everywhere when I felt that oh too familiar rush to the heart, the temperature and the watching everyone around me thinking they were out to harm me.
Of course, this probably wasn’t the case but anxiety listens to no one. My best option when I’m having an anxiety attack is to get out of that situation. I was unable to do that at this point so I resulted trying to find my own standing place where I could tune into the music on my iPod and find a mental place to calm down.
Now, just because you can’t see mental health, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. What happened next, when I was at my most distressed, there was a woman sat on the bus that was currently pulled in at the bus stop.
I’m not going into descriptions here as they do not matter but she was sat on this bus, with another adult and two children while pointing me out to the other woman and the children and laughing at me and making fun of me to them.
At what point does this woman consider that she is essentially teaching children to pick on people for their flaws?
Just because you can’t see mental health, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I hope that woman never has to experience mental health or anxiety.
When you are mentally low you don’t see the colours in life, life becomes one dank dark place and you see the world in black and white instead of colour.
Mental illness has become a sort of taboo subject to talk about and it doesn’t help when some people in school see mental health as a way to manipulate others. There’s no wonder that many young people don’t talk about mental health because they see is a subject that can’t be approached and we need to work to change this.
I know from experience that any kind of mental health or depression is a difficult subject to talk about and something we should embrace more. When my Bipolar comes into play, I cease to see the joys in life.
I think of my life as a dank and miserable existence in which I can’t anticipate the future and just want out. Life becomes bleak and grey with no hope left. You start to over-think and analyse everything even coming to conclusions about people based on non-existent reasons.
Bipolar can make you imagine what is not there, imagine people you care about being nasty about you and warp your conceptions on why people you care about have acted in a certain way, therefore, causing you to treat them differently, call them out for it or stop talking to them completely.
It can also make you assume that other people know what they have done to upset you when in actual reality, they probably don’t know. Of course, there are always people who will upset you on purpose but you have to separate them from the good that generally does care about you and didn’t mean to hurt you. Mental health, therefore, makes this process and practically any other life process a lot more difficult for you.
Obviously, if you call someone out for a reason your mental health has made up you can be seen as crazy or else that person will leave you because they don’t know why you are going off the rail. Also, mental health issues can make it a lot more difficult to work your problems out with others.
Bipolar can cause me at times, to even see people in grey. Whereas another person might always see the good in the people around them, someone with Bipolar can change their view of people if that person does one thing that hurts them deeply. I don’t mean to do that, I do mean to give the person a chance to explain but there are times when that doesn’t happen.
Another issue I have is trusting people, although this isn’t just reliant on my Bipolar. This is also because of the people who have hurt me. When I was in my younger years of high school, the teacher I trusted most let me down and wasn’t there for me when I needed her and essentially had a negative effect on my life at that time.
Before I met her, I trusted people way too easily. When bullies tried to get information out of me, I just offered it up not realising they were just looking for a topic for gossiping and being mean about me behind my back.
Since then, it can be said as both a positive and a negative thing that I don’t trust people as easily now. I can see through most people’s bullshit, and I can protect my heart from being crushed by being selective with who I trust. However, the negative side of this is that as soon as someone I trust does the smallest thing to hurt me, I get defensive and shut them out instead of talking to them and telling them why they hurt me. Also, because it takes me longer to trust people when I start a new experience: everyone around about me establishes their friendship groups before me so therefore I feel like an outsider who is not welcome.
Life with a mental illness is difficult and gives a different perspective on life – sometimes positive and sometimes negative when my mental health gets low. I begin to see things in grey instead of colour as if I am wearing tinted sunglasses to view the world but when I am well I can see the joy and that is the moments worth living for.
Today I will be talking about my feelings in the sense that I have always been the type of person to bottle up my feelings until they become too much and I then end up almost exploding and breaking down because there are then too many things that have caused me to get low.
It’s no secret that I have major trust issues thanks to the people in my past who have hurt me and let me down when I needed them. As a result, I began to bottle up my feelings even more and it is only recently that I have started working on dealing with my issues at the time that they become an issue.
I think that is partly to do with the fact that now I’m at university, I have become a lot busier and as a result, have to keep a calendar. As a result of this, I realise that I do not always have the time to have a breakdown or stop what I’m doing to deal with a mess of problems. Therefore I have to start dealing with my problems there and then which is something I have always struggled with.
Life is difficult, and I know changing things will be difficult at first but it’s got to get easier. Hasn’t it?
I can’t continue to bottle things up as it has a negative effect on both my mental health and my attitude. Most my arguments I’ve started unreasonably with other people have been because I’ve bottled my feelings up.
I’ve let whatever that person did or said to upset me play on my mind for weeks if not months. As a result, I become a very angry and upset person until one day I can’t hold it in anymore and I have to release.
As a result, I end up flying off the handle with people I care about instead of just talking about it like a grownup. Recently I had a go at someone because they did something which reminded me of someone who hurt me.
The thing that happened with the person who had hurt me was something I didn’t talk about for over three years. As a result, I began to lash out at anyone who would remind me of them and then stop trusting that person.
I have now realised this is an unhealthy attitude and perhaps if I’d have just spoken about the issues at the time, it wouldn’t have come to this. Therefore, zipping up my feelings has also had a negative impact on the way I deal with others, and I want to change that!
Do you have any tips that I can use in order to deal with my problems easier and more efficiently? I want to know. Comment them below!
Today’s daily wordpress prompt is: Chuckle and this gets me thinking on two different accounts. Chuckle means two different things to me and one of them is a reminder of my childhood.
While to many people, chuckle is another term for laughter: chuckle both means laughter to me and also reminds me of one of my childhood favourites: the Chuckle Brothers/Chuckle Vision.
The Chuckle Brothers and Chuckle Vision reminds me of my childhood as they were a TV personality/show which I enjoyed watching.
The other meaning of chuckle: laughter. Isn’t that what life is and should be about? Linking in with the childhood theme, I realise that I technically never had a childhood. I was perhaps forced to grow up quickly and I realise as a child I was always worrying about something or always upset about something.
Throughout my early years, I wasn’t happy because my mum was in and out of hospital with her mental health. Therefore there were times when I would visit her when she was unwell therefore I perhaps spent a lot of time in a more negative mindset than other children my age with always something on my mind.
When I moved to Scotland, I had a couple of years where I actually had a childhood but then when I started high school, I became really depressed and developed Bipolar disorder of which I of course knew nothing of at the time so therefore thought there was nothing wrong and I was the same as other teenagers my age. I was wrong.
As a result it wasn’t really until I got into my second last year of high school that I really began to live my life. Since most of my childhood was unhappy it makes it even more important for me to find enjoyable moments about life, moments where I can laugh aka chuckle.
Life may be tough but it is important to hang onto the good moments and chase the light instead of the dark. As a teenager I spent too long chasing the dark, chasing the bad and over-thinking about the bad. Therefore, I didn’t really focus on enjoyment within life.
My point: Chase the good. There may be bad moments but don’t let them destroy you, chase the you that you want to be.
Life is a climb, always struggling to reach that next step: that next milestone in life. It would be wrong to say that life is easy, its anything but. Though things may seem difficult and your life may not seem to be worth living at points: things do get better. Things don’t stay the same forever and your challenges will define you and make you a stronger person if you let them.
Learning from your mistakes is difficult but I feel is crucial to becoming that better version of yourself. If you live your life in denial about your mistakes, you will never understand things in a different context or from someone else’s position and you may end up alone.
Recently I have just been officially betrayed and hurt by someone I trusted and gave my heart to, I was dumped by text and to make matters worse he then lied about the reason for this by saying we barely talked which was bullshit.
Past Emma would of allowed herself to be completely 100% broken by an experience like this (flashback to the last person I threw my heart and trust at the moment I met them and rushed in to only be destroyed emotionally and mentally.)
Despite this, present Emma can see her life going on. Yes, I am sad, yes I feel betrayed and yes I feel hurt but it hasn’t ripped me apart and it hasn’t destroyed me like it did the last time. The last time royally fucked me up for YEARS on end.
I feel there are two reasons for this which are 1) I have finally came to terms with my past mistakes and current mistakes and have began to do what I can to fix things if it isn’t too late and 2) I have an amazing group of friends both at university and outside university who have always stood by me and been my crutch to lean on at this hurtful moment in my life.
I used to be that person with 1-2 friends or perhaps even 0 people I felt like I could actually call a friend but now I feel I have a good group of friends who always have my back and that has made me happier, more confident and able to bounce back quicker than ever before.
What I’m trying to say that life is a climb, I hate to bring up Miley Cyrus in a blog post but as her song goes “Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s the climb”
Life is a climb and it isn’t important what’s at the end of each challenge you face, the point is getting there no matter how long it takes you to do it. As you grow, as you learn, you become stronger and you will become more equipped to dealing with life’s plot twists and forks in the road.
Too many young people are pressured upon until their mental health ends up suffering in exchange for school, university and ultimately getting a job. From Primary school, they are constantly pressured into deciding what they want to do when they are adult, this is wrong.
What I want to say is you are not alone: there is always someone willing to help and support you if you look hard enough. I wouldn’t be here today without some amazing inspiring individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing.
I think this is where past Emma went wrong: she was afraid to open up to those she trusted and as a result lost support from some of those people. Today I have major trust issues and it takes a long time for me to trust someone, but once I can trust someone I am now able to open up to them.
I know I wouldn’t be the person today without going through the obstacles I have faced. There was a time when I was a horrible person and I lost the support of the person I trusted most thanks to this but this helped shape me. This helped to define the person I am today and I wouldn’t be the same without this experience.
A very wise woman once said to me “Life is tough and then you die” – the sad reality is this is true, but you are your biggest obstacle to having a more fulfilling life.
I’m a cranky bitch in the morning. Anyone that knows me knows not to disturb me in the morning, the only person I haven’t been rude to first thing in the morning is a good friend of mine when she phoned me at 8am one morning.
Cranky can actually mean two things according to the dictionary: 1) A cranky bitch (aka bad-tempered and irritable and 2) eccentric or strange. I am the definition of both of these meanings.
Only once I have gotten to know you really well and feel 100% comfortable around you will I be a sweet friend and I will love you fiercely and protect your corner: your enemies are my enemies.
I am not always cranky but when I am I may as well have a “warning” sign above my head. I am also cranky when I am tired, I am not great at functioning when tired. The worst bit? I am ALWAYS tired. I used to be anemic so therefore was advised to go to the GP to see if its back but the lazy, procrastinating fuck that I am still hasn’t done this. I also haven’t booked those fillings I got told I needed back in February.
On Tuesday I had a university night out where I got completely wasted, danced my way around Mcdonald’s at 1am and told 6 women I am friends with that I love them. Oops! I also did or at least started doing two things I’d been putting off for month’s. Answer to getting all that uni work done? Seems to be getting wasted and doing it then!
Also people that treat me like crap will eventually get the crank bitch in me coming out. I’m too nice and hang onto people way longer than I should but once I realise that they treat me like crap and decide to ditch them, out comes cranky bitch Emma. In other words: don’t get on the wrong side of me.
Sometimes shit hits the fan and life gets too much and I become a cranky bitch but my goal is to try and realise this more so that I can take a step back, relax and de-stress and get over other people’s shit that has caused me to be down.
A recent heart-breaking moment has led to me thinking about my life and why shit always happens to me and I realised something: I wouldn’t want it any other way. Yes, shit happens but that is what has made me such a strong individual today. Right now, this recent betrayal hurts like hell, but I’ll get through it knowing I now have the most amazing group of friends who I probably don’t even deserve.
On Wednesday shit hit the fan and if it wasn’t for my amazing friends in university I would have probably hit the pub and got pissed again despite being hungover at that moment. It made me realise that through all my moaning, I am lucky to have the people I have. I am actually semi-happy and today a never before moment happened in my life: I shared one of my blog posts on my personal Facebook account outside my blog Facebook page and Twitter and Instagram.
Normally I NEVER post my blog posts on my personal account as I cringe at the thought of people I know in real life reading my blog and have no self confidence. I’ve realised I am finally starting to gain confidence and I have my amazing friends to thank for that in finally making me start to realise I am actually worth something. Confidence can get mistaken for arrogance like I’ve said before, but I’m speaking from a girl who has never believed in herself and is finally starting to find herself and even though my heart is hurting right now I am okay, I’ll be fine, I’ll get there and that’s what matters.
You caught me reviewing ANOTHER Netflix original but what else would you expect from that master procrastinating student with a Netflix subscription? If there’s procrastination to be done, it will ALWAYS involve a glance at what can be watched on Netflix.
First point I would like to make, it is obvious right from the start that this TV show has a strong theme around someone committing suicide so if you are easily triggered by things like that, then this might be one you wish to avoid.
Before even getting into the first episode I can establish that I already love the graphics displayed at the start of the episode. The show appears to have a high school setting which reminds me of the typical American high school drama for teenagers.
I can be easily distracted and just to follow that trait I became distracted by the song playing at the start of the first episode and began to focus more on that than the main character Hannah, who was talking over the top so I had to rewind to re-cap.
Music is life for me, I live and breathe music and therefore when I hear a song that I like that I haven’t heard before, I become mesmerised in this song and focus more on the song than anything else which surrounds it.
The whole atmosphere makes me think of when I was at high school which is heightened by the fact that there is a teacher with the same name as one of my old high school teachers.
When Clay’s friend offers him a ride home, the car and the way the friend is dressed seems to remind me of Danny from Grease in a negative way although he seems better put together than Danny was in Grease.
Things seem weird between Clay and his Dad in the sense that it seems much more professional than a father/son relationship should be. I can relate to this in one sense because I don’t exactly get on well with my Dad but in the other sense it puts a question in my mind as to why it is so professional between them.
I think if I got home to find a random box full of numbered tapes outside my front door with my name on, I would be slightly more curious as to where they came from and perhaps slightly more hesitant to listen to them at first without trying to investigate.
Watching this, I feel a little old. I remember having cassette tapes as a child and I like the way they have conveyed the story a step back in time like this.
Again, I find myself able to relate to the show in the fact that when Hannah says the truth is the least popular story about her. Whenever I was being bullied in high school, the truth was always never spoken about as lies spread made better stories about a person than the truth did.
I don’t like the way in which in episode three the story is then told through the character’s as I prefer it when it is Hannah’s words and then it shows the other character’s story.
I love the fact each episode is named by the what tape and side they are on with the reasons as to why Hannah killed herself as its original and makes it easier to follow.
One thing 13 Reasons Why teaches viewers is that if you are a not very nice person, you will always get what is coming to you.
I feel as if every new TV show these days have clear evidence of product placement and this is no difference with the constant use of beats headphones.
13 Reasons Why reinforces the purpose on offering support to vulnerable people/those with mental health issues, depression or suicidal thoughts.
In Episode 7: Tape 4, Side A Hannah says “You’re going to tell me this one’s no big deal.” – When it comes to mental health, EVERYTHING is a big deal.
This show really makes you think about mental health and the way in which so much goes unnoticed or not spoken about because of the heavy stigma attached.
In episode 7: Tape 4, Side A it is also shown that Hannah puts a question the class discussion bag asking “What if the only way not to feel bad is to stop feeling anything at all forever?” After this is read out to the class, the first person to say their thoughts on this is that whoever wrote it is an attention seeker, another person thinks its a joke and a third thinks its a cry for help.
This is unfortunately an accurate representation of the mental health stigma in this country. When people do speak out about needing help mentally, they can be branded as attention seeking or as if they are joking instead of being taken seriously.
This indicates that we need to take an active role in changing this perception of mental health and making it less of a taboo subject to talk about. I am really glad Netflix decided to turn this into a TV show as I feel as if the more we highlight and talk about the realities of mental health, the more people will feel as if they are not alone and we can hopefully encourage them to speak about it.
I love the way in which, as Hannah is telling the story of her death, what we see on screen is split between a replica of what she describes on her tapes and the aftermath of her death.
By showing the viewer only what Hannah conveys, it leads you to question: Is everything Hannah is saying accurate? As the season goes on, we begin to get a sense that not everything Hannah says may be the truth, our first major indication of this being when Zach shows Clay that he still has the letter Hannah wrote and din’t throw it away like Hannah states he does.
It seems as if once Hannah dies, everyone left behind that was somehow the cause of her death always have an ulterior motif when it comes to the tapes and it never has anything to do with the remembrance of Hannah or trying to put their wrongs to right. It tends to be more about saving themselves from liability. This only changes at the very end.
I absolutely love the fact that they put content warnings where people may be triggered or too young to watch when needed and really respect them for doing this as I know sometimes TV shows won’t do that because it will turn some viewers away.
Suicide has the power to destroy the lives of those left behind so I believe it is crucial having shows like these to highlight the issue and hopefully encourage anyone who feels suicidal to seek help.
I wasn’t expecting the show to end where it did, I also wasn’t expecting tape 13 to be the person whom it was. The show had me hooked right from the start & contained plot twists right to the very end which held my attention.
I would definitely recommend this show to others and feel that it makes you think more about mental health and suicide and the fact that you never know the full extent of what someone else may be going through. Don’t spend your life bringing others down cause you have no idea what it may lead to!
A final thing – the soundtrack is amazing. Throughout the show, I found myself getting immersed completely in not only the plot but also the music. A great show through and through and definitely one that made me think.