Posted in Thoughts

Life Can Be Opaque At Times

Just going to be a short blog post today since have a lot of uni work I’ve been working on so I am tired.

According to google the definition of Opaque is: “not able to be seen through; not transparent.” I suppose this can be applied to life as well as objects. When I started high school, I was as open as open can be, one of my biggest struggles was seeing through other people’s bullshit – I simply couldn’t do it.

This put me in good stead to then have someone I care about and trusted to completely destroy me and rip me apart to the point I lost all sense of self worth. Since then I feel I began to realise that I gave too much of myself to other people so ended up not leaving enough love behind for myself. I ended up draining myself of all energy because I gave all that energy to other people, most of them didn’t even respect me or even deserve my love and kindness.

Nowadays, I can pretty much see through anyone’s pretentious crap which they call the truth. Although occasionally someone will creep up on me, I will give them my trust and then they will prove why I should not have given my trust to them in the first place.

Life can be Opaque, it can seen difficult at times to be able to see through things and I feel that this is a skill you acquire within life – you make mistakes, you grow and you start to see through the pretense that some people put up. Not everyone is genuine.

Opaque

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

The Climb

Life is a climb, always struggling to reach that next step: that next milestone in life. It would be wrong to say that life is easy, its anything but. Though things may seem difficult and your life may not seem to be worth living at points: things do get better. Things don’t stay the same forever and your challenges will define you and make you a stronger person if you let them.

Learning from your mistakes is difficult but I feel is crucial to becoming that better version of yourself. If you live your life in denial about your mistakes, you will never understand things in a different context or from someone else’s position and you may end up alone.

Recently I have just been officially betrayed and hurt by someone I trusted and gave my heart to, I was dumped by text and to make matters worse he then lied about the reason for this by saying we barely talked which was bullshit.

Past Emma would of allowed herself to be completely 100% broken by an experience like this (flashback to the last person I threw my heart and trust at the moment I met them and rushed in to only be destroyed emotionally and mentally.)

Despite this, present Emma can see her life going on. Yes, I am sad, yes I feel betrayed and yes I feel hurt but it hasn’t ripped me apart and it hasn’t destroyed me like it did the last time. The last time royally fucked me up for YEARS on end.

I feel there are two reasons for this which are 1) I have finally came to terms with my past mistakes and current mistakes and have began to do what I can to fix things if it isn’t too late and 2) I have an amazing group of friends both at university and outside university who have always stood by me and been my crutch to lean on at this hurtful moment in my life.

I used to be that person with 1-2 friends or perhaps even 0 people I felt like I could actually call a friend but now I feel I have a good group of friends who always have my back and that has made me happier, more confident and able to bounce back quicker than ever before.

What I’m trying to say that life is a climb, I hate to bring up Miley Cyrus in a blog post but as her song goes “Ain’t about how fast I get there, Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, It’s the climb”

Life is a climb and it isn’t important what’s at the end of each challenge you face, the point is getting there no matter how long it takes you to do it. As you grow, as you learn, you become stronger and you will become more equipped to dealing with life’s plot twists and forks in the road.

Too many young people are pressured upon until their mental health ends up suffering in exchange for school, university and ultimately getting a job. From Primary school, they are constantly pressured into deciding what they want to do when they are adult, this is wrong.

What I want to say is you are not alone: there is always someone willing to help and support you if you look hard enough. I wouldn’t be here today without some amazing inspiring individuals I have had the pleasure of knowing.

I think this is where past Emma went wrong: she was afraid to open up to those she trusted and as a result lost support from some of those people. Today I have major trust issues and it takes a long time for me to trust someone, but once I can trust someone I am now able to open up to them.

I know I wouldn’t be the person today without going through the obstacles I have faced. There was a time when I was a horrible person and I lost the support of the person I trusted most thanks to this but this helped shape me. This helped to define the person I am today and I wouldn’t be the same without this experience.

A very wise woman once said to me “Life is tough and then you die” – the sad reality is this is true, but you are your biggest obstacle to having a more fulfilling life.

Climbing

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Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Cranky Bitch

I’m a cranky bitch in the morning. Anyone that knows me knows not to disturb me in the morning, the only person I haven’t been rude to first thing in the morning is a good friend of mine when she phoned me at 8am one morning.

Cranky can actually mean two things according to the dictionary: 1) A cranky bitch (aka bad-tempered and irritable and 2) eccentric or strange. I am the definition of both of these meanings.

Only once I have gotten to know you really well and feel 100% comfortable around you will I be a sweet friend and I will love you fiercely and protect your corner: your enemies are my enemies.

I am not always cranky but when I am I may as well have a “warning” sign above my head. I am also cranky when I am tired, I am not great at functioning when tired. The worst bit? I am ALWAYS tired. I used to be anemic so therefore was advised to go to the GP to see if its back but the lazy, procrastinating fuck that I am still hasn’t done this. I also haven’t booked those fillings I got told I needed back in February.

Following on from the blog post I did on procrastination (find this here: Always Later, Procrastinating At It’s Finest) I have recently discovered that I seem to be more productive when drunk. Yes, you heard me right.

On Tuesday I had a university night out where I got completely wasted, danced my way around Mcdonald’s at 1am and told 6 women I am friends with that I love them. Oops! I also did or at least started doing two things I’d been putting off for month’s. Answer to getting all that uni work done? Seems to be getting wasted and doing it then!

Also people that treat me like crap will eventually get the crank bitch in me coming out. I’m too nice and hang onto people way longer than I should but once I realise that they treat me like crap and decide to ditch them, out comes cranky bitch Emma. In other words: don’t get on the wrong side of me.

Sometimes shit hits the fan and life gets too much and I become a cranky bitch but my goal is to try and realise this more so that I can take a step back, relax and de-stress and get over other people’s shit that has caused me to be down.

A recent heart-breaking moment has led to me thinking about my life and why shit always happens to me and I realised something: I wouldn’t want it any other way. Yes, shit happens but that is what has made me such a strong individual today. Right now, this recent betrayal hurts like hell, but I’ll get through it knowing I now have the most amazing group of friends who I probably don’t even deserve.

On Wednesday shit hit the fan and if it wasn’t for my amazing friends in university I would have probably hit the pub and got pissed again despite being hungover at that moment. It made me realise that through all my moaning, I am lucky to have the people I have. I am actually semi-happy and today a never before moment happened in my life: I shared one of my blog posts on my personal Facebook account outside my blog Facebook page and Twitter and Instagram.

Normally I NEVER post my blog posts on my personal account as I cringe at the thought of people I know in real life reading my blog and have no self confidence. I’ve realised I am finally starting to gain confidence and I have my amazing friends to thank for that in finally making me start to realise I am actually worth something. Confidence can get mistaken for arrogance like I’ve said before, but I’m speaking from a girl who has never believed in herself and is finally starting to find herself and even though my heart is hurting right now I am okay, I’ll be fine, I’ll get there and that’s what matters.

Here’s to a happier and more fulfilling life:

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Cranky

Posted in Storytime

Storytime: Roasting The Past

This wasn’t a blog post I was expecting to write anytime soon or in fact, ever. Today I found out that I have an old Twitter account which I had completely forgotten about. This is an account I started back in 2010 and the last time I posted on it was 2011.

The positive about this story? It gave me a topic idea to help fill out the rest of BEDA (Blog Every Day April.) Face it, this is the only positive.

The old Twitter account is a classic example of past social media embarrassment: one you look back on and cringe just thinking about.

Roasting past Emma:

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Firstly. What was this supposed to be for a profile picture? Since when did people get their friend to take a picture of them with a lolly stick sticking out their mouth and their thumbs up? This is definitely not cool.

I know exactly which friends bedroom this was taken in simply by the Jedward posters: remember when Jedward were a thing? Me neither. (Burns that Jedward album hidden away at home from back when I thought they were good singers)

I’ve learned a few things from re-discovering this account: 1) I used to be incredibly vain 2) My main goal on Twitter was once to post over 1000 tweets, so I literally just spammed numbers in all my tweets 3) I’ve been a fan of Amanda Holden longer than I thought.

Another thing I need to roast about past Emma: Literally all you posted most the time on Twitter was those “get more followers links” – what was the point in even creating Twitter, like really?

Also, why in the few actual tweets you posted, WHY are most of them seen as translated from a different language when you don’t know any other language? Was the account hacked or something?

I am reminded of that stage in my life where I constantly listened to that cringy music that is dreadfully awful but you listen because its catchy. I therefore re-discovered a song I had forgotten about which will now probably drive me insane. Thanks past Emma for ruining my life.

One thing has remained the same: Back then I often tweeted song lyrics. I still tweet song lyrics. Music is embedded in my soul and is a part of me that has helped me get through a lot of painful moments in my life and shaped who I now am as a person.

Past Emma: I’m surprised you had any friends at all back then, you were even more annoying and vain than you are now.

This blog post sums up my life: embarrassed by past me so shares all about past me including the pictures online. I am a glutton for punishment. I would like to be able to direct you to where you can laugh at my past but I have since deleted the Twitter for obvious reasons.

What is your most embarrassing social media moment from the past?

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This blog post is part of BEDA (Blog Every Day April.)

Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Reviews, TV Shows

13 Reasons Why: Netflix Original Review

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You caught me reviewing ANOTHER Netflix original but what else would you expect from that master procrastinating student with a Netflix subscription? If there’s procrastination to be done, it will ALWAYS involve a glance at what can be watched on Netflix.

First point I would like to make, it is obvious right from the start that this TV show has a strong theme around someone committing suicide so if you are easily triggered by things like that, then this might be one you wish to avoid.

Before even getting into the first episode I can establish that I already love the graphics displayed at the start of the episode. The show appears to have a high school setting which reminds me of the typical American high school drama for teenagers.

I can be easily distracted and just to follow that trait I became distracted by the song playing at the start of the first episode and began to focus more on that than the main character Hannah, who was talking over the top so I had to rewind to re-cap.

Music is life for me, I live and breathe music and therefore when I hear a song that I like that I haven’t heard before, I become mesmerised in this song and focus more on the song than anything else which surrounds it.

The whole atmosphere makes me think of when I was at high school which is heightened by the fact that there is a teacher with the same name as one of my old high school teachers.

When Clay’s friend offers him a ride home, the car and the way the friend is dressed seems to remind me of Danny from Grease in a negative way although he seems better put together than Danny was in Grease.

Things seem weird between Clay and his Dad in the sense that it seems much more professional than a father/son relationship should be. I can relate to this in one sense because I don’t exactly get on well with my Dad but in the other sense it puts a question in my mind as to why it is so professional between them.

I think if I got home to find a random box full of numbered tapes outside my front door with my name on, I would be slightly more curious as to where they came from and perhaps slightly more hesitant to listen to them at first without trying to investigate.

Watching this, I feel a little old. I remember having cassette tapes as a child and I like the way they have conveyed the story a step back in time like this.

Again, I find myself able to relate to the show in the fact that when Hannah says the truth is the least popular story about her. Whenever I was being bullied in high school, the truth was always never spoken about as lies spread made better stories about a person than the truth did.

I don’t like the way in which in episode three the story is then told through the character’s as I prefer it when it is Hannah’s words and then it shows the other character’s story.

I love the fact each episode is named by the what tape and side they are on with the reasons as to why Hannah killed herself as its original and makes it easier to follow.

One thing 13 Reasons Why teaches viewers is that if you are a not very nice person, you will always get what is coming to you.

I feel as if every new TV show these days have clear evidence of product placement and this is no difference with the constant use of beats headphones.

13 Reasons Why reinforces the purpose on offering support to vulnerable people/those with mental health issues, depression or suicidal thoughts.

In Episode 7: Tape 4, Side A Hannah says “You’re going to tell me this one’s no big deal.” – When it comes to mental health, EVERYTHING is a big deal.

This show really makes you think about mental health and the way in which so much goes unnoticed or not spoken about because of the heavy stigma attached.

In episode 7: Tape 4, Side A it is also shown that Hannah puts a question the class discussion bag asking “What if the only way not to feel bad is to stop feeling anything at all forever?” After this is read out to the class, the first person to say their thoughts on this is that whoever wrote it is an attention seeker, another person thinks its a joke and a third thinks its a cry for help.

This is unfortunately an accurate representation of the mental health stigma in this country. When people do speak out about needing help mentally, they can be branded as attention seeking or as if they are joking instead of being taken seriously.

This indicates that we need to take an active role in changing this perception of mental health and making it less of a taboo subject to talk about. I am really glad Netflix decided to turn this into a TV show as I feel as if the more we highlight and talk about the realities of mental health, the more people will feel as if they are not alone and we can hopefully encourage them to speak about it.

I love the way in which, as Hannah is telling the story of her death, what we see on screen is split between a replica of what she describes on her tapes and the aftermath of her death.

By showing the viewer only what Hannah conveys, it leads you to question: Is everything Hannah is saying accurate? As the season goes on, we begin to get a sense that not everything Hannah says may be the truth, our first major indication of this being when Zach shows Clay that he still has the letter Hannah wrote and din’t throw it away like Hannah states he does.

It seems as if once Hannah dies, everyone left behind that was somehow the cause of her death always have an ulterior motif when it comes to the tapes and it never has anything to do with the remembrance of Hannah or trying to put their wrongs to right. It tends to be more about saving themselves from liability. This only changes at the very end.

I absolutely love the fact that they put content warnings where people may be triggered or too young to watch when needed and really respect them for doing this as I know sometimes TV shows won’t do that because it will turn some viewers away.

Suicide has the power to destroy the lives of those left behind so I believe it is crucial having shows like these to highlight the issue and hopefully encourage anyone who feels suicidal to seek help.

I wasn’t expecting the show to end where it did, I also wasn’t expecting tape 13 to be the person whom it was. The show had me hooked right from the start & contained plot twists right to the very end which held my attention.

I would definitely recommend this show to others and feel that it makes you think more about mental health and suicide and the fact that you never know the full extent of what someone else may be going through. Don’t spend your life bringing others down cause you have no idea what it may lead to!

A final thing – the soundtrack is amazing. Throughout the show, I found myself getting immersed completely in not only the plot but also the music. A great show through and through and definitely one that made me think.

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5-stars

Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management, Thoughts

Healing from The World

What do you see when you look at the world around you? Different people will see different things but one thing I have learned throughout my life is: Life is tough, Life can be painful and those people that promise they will always be there for you aren’t always telling the truth. Don’t promise me you’ll be there any time I need to talk or moan if you are just going to drop me as soon as things get tough!

Life can be painful. I was speaking with a friend recently about the fact that the nicest people tend to be the ones who get treated the worst and its completely true. She spoke of how people will spread lies about the nicest people and take advance of their good nature and its completely true.

Time and time again I have been treated like shit, and my problem is that I don’t like to let people go. If I have an understanding with someone on a specific topic that is close to my heart, I will hang onto that person way longer than I should despite the fact that they don’t value me as a friend.

A big example of this is last year at college. There were two girls I considered friends out my class. One of them constantly treated me like shit and pulled me down but I hung onto her because we connected over both having mental health issues. The other girl didn’t originally treat me like shit, but changed as soon as we started university and then began to treat me like shit. I hung onto her because I knew she hadn’t been like that before being friends with the other girl so I thought that she’d go back to how she used to be, it never happened.

I only cut both of these people out my life after listening to the advice of someone I now consider a good friend who has stuck by me and been my lifeline since leaving college. When I cut these girls out my life, the one who had always treated me like shit never even tried to contact me so clearly never valued my friendship.

The other girl claimed she didn’t notice for a whole month then when she contacted me saying she’d just noticed I had deleted her off Facebook, she told me about a personal issue she had going on and then said “I really need a friend right now.” Really? REALLY?

This girl ignored me, argued with me and told me to shut up for no reason on multiple occasions and she expects me to be there for her but not the other way around? Then when I don’t respond to her, she blocks me on Facebook? Friendship works both ways but some people don’t seem to understand that.

Other people have taken me for granted and just assumed I would always be there so they treated me like crap. What I’m trying to say is a lot of bad things happen in this world. Everyone has their own problems and a lot of the time you may not even know what that person has to go through. So why make their life anymore difficult than it has to be?

I have major trust issues. As I’ve said in previous blog posts: It often takes me a very long time before I can trust people, a lot longer than it takes most people. There are two exceptions to this. 1) A teacher I had in high school and 2) my boyfriend. Both of these people I felt completely comfortable around for the start but that said teacher is someone who ended up letting me down and hurting me.

The reason I have so many trust issues is because of other people, the people who have let me down when I’ve put all my trust in them and the people who have hurt me. As a result, I struggle to trust new people and it takes a long time before I can.

An example of this being through my three years at college. It wasn’t until my third and last year where I was fully able to trust my guidance lecturer.

What I say – When in life people hurt you, when people let you down or when bad things happen: take a step back, withdraw yourself slightly and allow yourself time to heal, time to move on. It won’t happen straight away but I feel it’s important to do this instead of rushing straight back into the next thing in life. Take a little time out, then you’ll come back stronger than ever.

How do you heal yourself from the world around you?

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Heal

I will leave you with a picture quote that sums me up as a person:

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Posted in Thoughts

Outlier

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A word which sums up perfectly the type of person that I am. One thing I have realised through living life is that I don’t like to fully involve myself into a situation or fully invest myself into another person until I know I can trust those I am surrounded with.

Throughout high school, I was that kid that didn’t drink, didn’t have a boyfriend at a crazy young age and didn’t socialize with the people considered as popular as I didn’t feel that’s the type of people I fitted well around.

In my younger high school years, I clung onto people that treated me like shit so that I wouldn’t be a loner, but because they treated me like shit: I hid the real me from them. I became a fabrication of a human instead of an actual human.

During my third year of high school, I saved the real me for the few people I felt safe around and like they wouldn’t judge, that wasn’t very many people. One of those people being someone who ended up letting me down when I needed them most. Since then I have became even more reserved than I initially was.

When meeting new people it takes me a VERY long time before I trust them, that isn’t just down to anxiety, that is down to people I trust hurting me a lot. It can sometimes take me over a year before I can trust someone fully. As a result, everyone establishes their friendship groups long before me and I end up being pushed to the side and becoming detached from those around me.

When I start getting low with my mental health, I become even more detached. I cease to see the world how it really is and I withdraw myself from other people, I also do this when I don’t feel comfortable within a situation.

I can be funny, witty and a generally all round caring person, but most people don’t get to see this side of me. I am the type of person that as soon as someone does or says something which hurts me a lot or reminds me of the person who destroyed me in my early teenage years, I push them out. I stop trusting them, and push them away until they don’t want to stay.

Recently I have done this again which I plan to deal with as this time it is someone I considered a good friend who’s support I don’t wish to loose.

Some people trust easily, some people immerse themselves in new experiences right from the start, not me. When I started university, I spent the whole of the first semester avoiding others. I would slip into the back of my lectures only to slip back out at the end without making an effort with people. I will sit on the sidelines until I can trust people, once I trust them I give them my all.

Do you get involved in society right from the start or sit it back and observe before you immerse yourself?

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Outlier