Posted in Thoughts

Blanket Of The Heart

My heart is almost enclosed within a blanket protecting it from the dangers of the world. The more living and growing I do and the more I learn, the stronger that blanket becomes.

In other words, the blanket around my heart is like a restrictive barrier you can’t see that stops you from getting too close to me and stops me from letting you into my heart.

It’s the way I have learned from experience when you give too much of yourself, to begin with, there is a high likelihood of that reflecting back and hurting you instead of helping you.

You don’t know someone’s personality the second you meet them, you may think you do but you don’t. It may feel as if you have known that person a lifetime when the reality is you haven’t.

I know from experience that there have been times I have felt a strong emotional connection and understanding with someone right from the moment I have met them. As a result, I’ve jumped in the heart over head and given them everything, every little piece of me just handed to them on a plate. This is the case for friends, relationships, the whole lot.

As a result, those people gave everything to from day one have turned out to not be the person I thought they were, have let me down or worse, seriously hurt me mentally. There are even times where I have taken a long time to trust someone than when I’ve eventually trusted them they’ve changed and let me down or hurt me.

Nowadays, I keep that blanket around my heart for a lot longer until I am 100% sure I can trust that person. I have discovered from experience that personally it seems to hurt more when it’s someone I have given everything to from the start who has hurt me. I guess that’s because right from the start I have perceived them as someone they were not and then there’s the shock and hurt when I realise they are not the person I thought they were.

At least if someone hurts me who I took a long time to trust, I know within me that they were the person I perceived them as and they either made a mistake or changed as a person and I guess that is easier to accept. So in life, I will keep that blanket protecting me from pain until I know I can trust you. Cause I can’t keep opening me heart up, again and again, to be broken. At least this way, it hurts less, at least this way I have the chance to find those that mean what they say and are who they say they are. At least this way I can find the ones that are true and keep them close instead of letting the fakes in only to hurt me. It’s a happier life this way.

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Blanket

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21 thoughts on “Blanket Of The Heart

  1. Really great post. I’m that way with friends a lot but I believe it stems from this desperate feeling of wanting to be more social because my really good friends live too far away to see on a regular basis. It’s definitely a huge learning process since there are so many different personalities out there that you’re trying to connect with. 🙂

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    1. I’m sorry that your closest friends are too far to see regularly. I hope you get to see them more in the future! I know how hard it must be, I have a best friend who’s been at uni only about 27 miles away, a few cities over for 4 years and I’ve struggled with that so I couldn’t image if I had a close friend even further than that!! One of my cousins lives even further, too far for me to visit regularly but I’ve only been talking to her for about 2 years since she got in touch over Facebook so were still getting to know each other. I will be going to visit her sister next month though who lives a bit closer to me! I understand about the different personalities also, it can be hard to connect with certain people if you don’t know their personality, and definitely a learning process!

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  2. Interesting approach to using the Daily Post word. I can actually relate to your post a lot. Over the years it has become much more difficult for me to let people into my heart. I’ve been hurt so many times in the past.

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    1. Thank you! I totally agree, its the same with me, I’ve been hurt so many times by people I trusted with my heart whom I thought had my back that it has started to take longer and longer every time for me to trust people. In February I met someone whom I put my trust in from the start because everything felt natural and we got on really well as if we’d known each other forever. We ended up in a relationship, a month later he dumped me by text, lied about the reason by telling me we barely spoke which was crap and then tried to say he’d been having doubts for over a week without telling me. For about two weeks my head was in a crappy place. I even missed a uni deadline because I got my deadlines mixed up thinking it was due 5 days after it was and it turned out it was a different one due then. Luckily the lecturer for that class was one I got on with whom knows about my mental health and stuff so I just explained and got an extension. It really hurt cause I thought I knew him but not as well as I thought. I realised what amazing friends I have at uni. The friends I told that knew the guy all sided with me and had a changed opinion of him and supported me through it. If it wasn’t for them I’d of probably ended up in the pub which wouldn’t have been great as I had a meeting that day and I had got drunk the night before with my friends. The good thing was though that there was someone in my past who hurt me even more than this guy did so, therefore, I was better equipped to getting over him and sorting out the mess inside my brain this time. Also, we were only dating for little over a month so it’s better this happening at the start rather than when I’d fallen deeper in love with him! I’ve found the blanket around my heart has helped in the sense that, if I take a long time to trust someone and then they hurt me, it doesn’t hurt as much because I knew them properly which meant they’d changed as a person and for some reason this is easier to accept than if someone lied or used you from the start! Although it doesn’t work like this all the time, there are still times someone hurts me who I took ages to trust and it hurts a lot. There was a time like this end of last year. P.S. Sorry for the long response!!

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      1. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you got an extension and I’m happy that you have such good friends.

        I had a similar bad sudden breakup in the past. It was my first love that dumped me. It also affected my mental health. If you haven’t read it, please check out my “Mental chaos across half the world” part 1 post. I don’t expect you to read all 3 parts. Part 1 is at https://birdflight.blog/2017/04/23/mental-chaos-half-across-the-world-part-1-of-3/

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      2. I was lucky that the lecturer who’s deadline I missed & gave me an extension was one I got on well with who knew about my mental health therefore I just explained in an email that I missed it because someone who I cared about did something to hurt me so I had been in a bad place mentally the week before so I got mixed up when the due date was and that I didn’t want to go into too much detail about the situation and he understood. I have a reasonable adjustments plan which means with my mental health I get extra consideration into extensions so most the time I don’t need a medical certificate which is handy. Also, this breakup was also my first love. He kept telling me how much he loved me. Just 4 days before he’d sent a big long message about how I made him feel human, how he felt like he could be himself around me and he felt less like a robot around me and how he loved me. Then after our society event at uni, we stayed in a hotel together so we didn’t have to get taxi’s home. So he had all that time he could have told me, but no, he waited till we’d parted the next day to break up with me by text. Surely if I made him feel he could be myself he shouldn’t have been so scared to tell me in person? I would have understood a lot better if he’d told me in person and I’d have respected him for that. I don’t know if you know who Emma Blackery is but she’s a Youtuber/Singer who I’m a fan of and she replied to my tweet about it saying that he was a coward, I didn’t need that shit and to keep my chin up and it really helped me getting support from someone I admire and look up to! I will definitely check out your blog post, I’ll like/comment when I have 🙂

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      3. Emma, that first love of yours was a coward. I will be hoping that the next real love you find is a very good one. My second love was a great one. We’ve been married for almost 20 years. You’ll see in the post I referenced that my first love was not a coward, but he was a jerk. I didn’t realize it until later, but my first “love” was so self-absorbed.

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      4. I’m glad you found someone you are now happy with. Hopefully I will find someone like that eventually. It’s sad because I’ve NEVER wanted kids and never been interested in a relationship but with him I could see myself being with him in years to come and could see myself having kids with him but at least things ended only a month in before I fell deeper in love with him as that would have hurt even more the longer we’d have been together so its better it happening now. Also, it came up saying you followed but it seems you followed my old blog by accident because I had one that was under my general name because that was one I had to have for college last year which I’ve just kind of kept and done nothing with since I use this blog instead.

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    1. This is me also! Once I let someone in, they have me completely. I’m there all the way. I am fully immersed into my connection with that person which means they can hurt me more easily than someone who didn’t have my complete trust. Although I have found that sometimes if someone hurts me once I’ve taken a long time to trust them it hurts less than someone who used me from the start when I trusted them because at least I know they didn’t lie, they just changed as a person. However this isn’t always the case, there was someone who hurt me end of last year whom I took a long time to trust.

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  3. This is sooooo sad that people who give so much kindness are often the one’s taken advantage off. But I think we all have to learn how and when we can trust people. I’m glad you found a way to save you from some pain at least.
    Lea, xx

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    1. Yes. Seems to turn out the people that give so much love and kindness out are often the ones hurt the most. Perhaps its because they offer their love to everyone so some people see them as something they can use for their own means then dump because that person gets on with them easily. Nowadays it takes me a long time to trust most people in my life but its better than being hurt constantly.

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  4. I can totally relate to this Emma – the older I get the thicker the blanket becomes. And it’s not just about building relationships, it’s just about with everything. I find it especially prominent with my fears and phobias. The older I get the more scared I am of EVERYTHING, it’s just so silly. Things that made me uncomfortable when I was younger are much more pronounced as I get older and I would say they’ve turned into fears. I suppose the concept’s the same – the older I get the thicker the blanket. xx

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    1. Yeah, the older I get and the more people that hurt me the more careful I become when it comes to trusting people and the longer it takes me. For example, the 3 full years when I was at college, It took me until the 3rd year till I could fully trust my guidance lecturer despite his purpose being to support the students. It took me forever to trust him. Although once I trusted him he felt like a good friend, like there was stuff he told me at times that he wouldn’t trust most the other students with and even referred to me as his friend sometimes. Once I trusted him, he was a great support to me and kept backing me up when other students were harsh on me and we had a laugh, joke and carry on quite often. Then towards the end of college things got awkward between us because of a girl I called a friend who kicked off at our event and called him multiple swear words and upset a lot of people. Then after I left college, things got awkward even more, we had a disagreement, then I was rude to him because he did something to remind me of someone who hurt me a lot and with my Bipolar that mucked me up and made me think he was the same as she had been and as if I couldn’t trust him too which was just my mental health playing with me. Now he won’t talk to me, marked my FB messages as spam and ignores emails from me when all I want to do is speak to him and work things out since we were friends before. So the whole situation hurts and since then I got a little more withdrawn from people for a while but I seem back on track now. Recently someone I trusted betrayed my trust and now I sometimes wonder why I even bother to make friends when I need to pull that blanket firmly over me constantly.

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  5. Good friends are so rare these days. I have only 3 friends but they all live in other cities so every time we get together is like a celebration! Love your sincere thoughts in this post.

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    1. Thank you very much for your comment. I am lucky I have made 3 new great friends in uni who had my back when my ex broke up with me despite the fact they knew him too and they agreed with me about his actions being wrong. I also have an amazing women who used to be an old lecturer when I was at college but whom I now consider a great friend who has had my back so many times and was there for me when I had no one else! In total that’s 4 people and then the 3 people I had starting uni. But before this I only had those 3, I am so lucky to be gaining some wonderful friends these days and I hope I can hold onto them!

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  6. I know exactly how you feel, I also used to be just a little bit too trusting from the outset. I think this is the way humanity ought to be though, as we should all strive to do good in the world, however there are those who seek to take advantage of such good, and use it for their own ends. It’s a shame that we have to wrap our hearts in blankets to protect us from such individuals.

    Lima
    http://www.fashionicide.com
    xo

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