Posted in Anxiety/Mental Health/Stress Management

Grey VS Colour

Grey, life is grey: always grey.

When you are mentally low you don’t see the colours in life, life becomes one dank dark place and you see the world in black and white instead of colour.

Mental illness has become a sort of taboo subject to talk about and it doesn’t help when some people in school see mental health as a way to manipulate others. There’s no wonder that many young people don’t talk about mental health because they see is a subject that can’t be approached and we need to work to change this.

I know from experience that any kind of mental health or depression is a difficult subject to talk about and something we should embrace more. When my Bipolar comes into play, I cease to see the joys in life.

I think of my life as a dank and miserable existence in which I can’t anticipate the future and just want out. Life becomes bleak and grey with no hope left. You start to over-think and analyse everything even coming to conclusions about people based on non-existent reasons.

Bipolar can make you imagine what is not there, imagine people you care about being nasty about you and warp your conceptions on why people you care about have acted in a certain way, therefore, causing you to treat them differently, call them out for it or stop talking to them completely.

It can also make you assume that other people know what they have done to upset you when in actual reality, they probably don’t know. Of course, there are always people who will upset you on purpose but you have to separate them from the good that generally does care about you and didn’t mean to hurt you. Mental health, therefore, makes this process and practically any other life process a lot more difficult for you.

Obviously, if you call someone out for a reason your mental health has made up you can be seen as crazy or else that person will leave you because they don’t know why you are going off the rail. Also, mental health issues can make it a lot more difficult to work your problems out with others.

Bipolar can cause me at times, to even see people in grey. Whereas another person might always see the good in the people around them, someone with Bipolar can change their view of people if that person does one thing that hurts them deeply. I don’t mean to do that, I do mean to give the person a chance to explain but there are times when that doesn’t happen.

Another issue I have is trusting people, although this isn’t just reliant on my Bipolar. This is also because of the people who have hurt me. When I was in my younger years of high school, the teacher I trusted most let me down and wasn’t there for me when I needed her and essentially had a negative effect on my life at that time.

Before I met her, I trusted people way too easily. When bullies tried to get information out of me, I just offered it up not realising they were just looking for a topic for gossiping and being mean about me behind my back.

Since then, it can be said as both a positive and a negative thing that I don’t trust people as easily now. I can see through most people’s bullshit, and I can protect my heart from being crushed by being selective with who I trust. However, the negative side of this is that as soon as someone I trust does the smallest thing to hurt me, I get defensive and shut them out instead of talking to them and telling them why they hurt me. Also, because it takes me longer to trust people when I start a new experience: everyone around about me establishes their friendship groups before me so therefore I feel like an outsider who is not welcome.

Life with a mental illness is difficult and gives a different perspective on life – sometimes positive and sometimes negative when my mental health gets low. I begin to see things in grey instead of colour as if I am wearing tinted sunglasses to view the world but when I am well I can see the joy and that is the moments worth living for.

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Gray (Daily Promt, Written in American spelling)

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