A word which sums up perfectly the type of person that I am. One thing I have realised through living life is that I don’t like to fully involve myself into a situation or fully invest myself into another person until I know I can trust those I am surrounded with.
Throughout high school, I was that kid that didn’t drink, didn’t have a boyfriend at a crazy young age and didn’t socialize with the people considered as popular as I didn’t feel that’s the type of people I fitted well around.
In my younger high school years, I clung onto people that treated me like shit so that I wouldn’t be a loner, but because they treated me like shit: I hid the real me from them. I became a fabrication of a human instead of an actual human.
During my third year of high school, I saved the real me for the few people I felt safe around and like they wouldn’t judge, that wasn’t very many people. One of those people being someone who ended up letting me down when I needed them most. Since then I have became even more reserved than I initially was.
When meeting new people it takes me a VERY long time before I trust them, that isn’t just down to anxiety, that is down to people I trust hurting me a lot. It can sometimes take me over a year before I can trust someone fully. As a result, everyone establishes their friendship groups long before me and I end up being pushed to the side and becoming detached from those around me.
When I start getting low with my mental health, I become even more detached. I cease to see the world how it really is and I withdraw myself from other people, I also do this when I don’t feel comfortable within a situation.
I can be funny, witty and a generally all round caring person, but most people don’t get to see this side of me. I am the type of person that as soon as someone does or says something which hurts me a lot or reminds me of the person who destroyed me in my early teenage years, I push them out. I stop trusting them, and push them away until they don’t want to stay.
Recently I have done this again which I plan to deal with as this time it is someone I considered a good friend who’s support I don’t wish to loose.
Some people trust easily, some people immerse themselves in new experiences right from the start, not me. When I started university, I spent the whole of the first semester avoiding others. I would slip into the back of my lectures only to slip back out at the end without making an effort with people. I will sit on the sidelines until I can trust people, once I trust them I give them my all.
Do you get involved in society right from the start or sit it back and observe before you immerse yourself?