Posted in Thoughts

Confidence

There is a difference between confidence and arrogance and I hope never to cross that line.

I am naturally not a very confident person. I rely on the opinions of my friends and family in order to make me feel happy and confident as I don’t feel like that is something I can achieve on my own.

There are various reasons as to why I have no confidence in myself. The biggest of these reasons being my past mistakes.

I have made mistakes in the past that I hold myself accountable for even though I realise I am no longer the same person, I let these mistakes control who I am as a person today.

It is no secret that 2016 was an awful year for me, by the time I got to November I knew it wasn’t going to get better. In November I was at the lowest I have been in six years, somebody from my past cropped back up and once again upset me and made me feel like I wasn’t worth love, like I shouldn’t have people who care about me for what I did back at the worst moment of my life.

When I was at my worst, the one person I fully trusted let me down when I needed them most because of a mistake I made. As a result of said mistakes, we were never able to trust each other again or even keep in touch. I miss them constantly but at this point am not entirely sure I can do anything about it and have long ago accepted the blame.

Also at the end of 2016, someone I considered a friend did something which reminded me of that person and as a result I wasn’t very nice to them. Now they are not talking to me and most likely have no idea why I acted the way I did.

I am sick of letting the one person control my actions. After that moment in my life, I decided I would never become that person again and if I ever ended up in a similar situation I would do anything I could to fix it.

I avoided adding friends on Facebook because I knew that person was mutual friends with them. Not anymore. I may not be able to fix things with them, but I won’t let myself be hurt all over again, its not worth it.

Another thing, I tend to allow people to make me feel like shit on a regular basis and I tell myself that I deserve it because of my past mistakes.

In high school, I was that girl who hung onto the people who treated me like shit because of reasons I shouldn’t such as it being awkward when I’d pass them or so that I wouldn’t be on my own.

In college, I hung onto a girl who treated me like shit and didn’t value me because we both had mental health issues so I could relate to her, I only ditched her and another who treated me badly after listening to the advice of a good friend.

I hang onto people much longer than I should because of many reasons, another one of these reasons being that because of past mistakes, I tell myself I deserve all the crap thrown at me.

I was in a really bad place at the end of 2016 to the point I tried to harm myself begging with my brain to sort itself out. I was lucky this time that when I confided in one person I trusted, she stood by me and was there to help me through it. That never happened the last time and as a result I have gained major trust issues. When I stopped trying to harm myself I did it all because of a good friend who was worried about me, I did it because I saw how much I upset her instead of because I actually value my life.

I am incredibly grateful to this amazing woman who supported me, because I honestly don’t know if I’d be where I am now without her.

In 2017 my aim is to try and find a sense of happiness and perhaps gain some confidence in myself. I am so lucky to have met my amazing boyfriend this year who keeps me strong and is always my number one supporter always by my side, hopefully it is time I start caring about myself. I am that person who cares more about others than myself and while its great to care about others, it should also be important for me to care about myself.

I feel woman are more advantaged than men when it comes to feelings. Women are already seen as the one’s who can be emotional without fear of ruining their public image. Men are often taught they have to be hard, be strong, but we need to change this. We need to show our support to men so they know they are allowed to feel as well and they are not less of a man for doing so!

Recently my boyfriend said something to me where he told me that he’s supposed to be the strong one supporting me, and I don’t want that. I want him to know that he is allowed to feel, he is allowed to discuss his feelings with me and I won’t ever judge him, I love him for the person he is. This is what I want all men to know, its time to show them that they can feel without being less of a man.

Confidence isn’t something that has ever came naturally to me, but it is something I’m working on and something I’m trying to gain more of.

Do you have any tips on how to be a more confident person?

If you want more on confidence and perhaps how to gain confidence in a harsh world then let me know.

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